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Here we explore variants of conflict patterns in part two (of this two part series) that include: refuting "straw man arguments"; not checking understanding, repeating unhelpful behaviour; repeatedly asking for what's already given; asserting rather than demonstrating responsiveness; assumptions; denying conflict exists; neglecting interdependence; stonewalling; absence of curiosity, humility, respect, empathy or care (even when reflecting).

There's a growing trend to elevate feelings and personal truths (aka MY truth) to the point of being unassailable "facts". If I feel unsafe, then it must be because of you. As valid as a person’s inner world is, we risk overlooking what's beyond our own views, such as larger forces around us that continue to underwrite exploitation, violence, “othering”, etc. Instead, describe specific words and actions that a camera would record.

Many people consider a true observation as something that all can agree on. Some people use the video camera analogy – a true observation is “what a video camera can see and hear.” This perpetuates the myth of the neutral, unbiased observer. There are three layers of observation: External, Internal, and Systemic. Understanding these layers is key to connecting with the depth of the needs, and to create greater shared understanding.

When we have privilege, we can have access to resources resulting from legal or social norms related to membership in a group -- independent of any (in)action, awareness of the disparity, the potential benefits to us, or the costs to others. Unhelpful ways of engaging with privilege are: denial/invisibility, guilt/shame, defensiveness, and entitlement. Helpful ways of engaging are: owning privilege, learning about privilege, opening to feedback, and stewarding privilege for benefit of all. To be helpful we need to engage with necessary (rather than unnecessary) discomfort.

Whether we have more or less power and privilege, anything without liberation for all is within patriarchal separation, and will continue cycles of oppression. To liberate ourselves and one another we need to increase our collective capacity through developing related knowledge, skills, research; build an understanding of patriarchal roots; confront lovingly; co-hold dilemmas about privilege; co-shape outcomes; etc.

Most people want to punish perpetrators of sexual violence. Unfortunately, punishment doesn’t lead to lasting widespread change. Rather, we can identify root causes and conditions that sustain violence. That means shifting from individual to systemic lenses, and from punitive to restorative responses. It means collective learning about how such acts are nurtured and persist. This can reduce the chance of it happening again.

There's a danger in using empathy exchange to perpetually recirculate and exchange pain (often by telling and re-telling the same old stories), rather than using it as a catalyst for transformation. It can create and further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, and violence. It can also reinforce dualistic evaluations of "met" vs "unmet" needs. And it can slow down productivity.

Mismanaged emotional pain can compound and hurt ourselves and others. Four ways we can mismanage pain are: denial, blame, depression, and escape/numbing. This can result in hatred, resentment, discrimination, revenge, anger, and more problems. The fifth way we can deal with pain is to confront the pain acknowledging it and dealing with our unmet needs. This is a more direct path. Read on for more ideas for how to handle the pain.

Much like other asymmetric relationships (such as therapist and client), there are complications related to power dynamics that can arise with any NVC trainer having sex with a participant. For one, there's (counter)transference. And there's potential for things that may not move outside this asymmetric relationship -- such as projections where the participant, and/or the trainer, is guided by un-healed pain of their "inner child".

Even leaders we admire may exhibit behaviors that could be labeled as abusive, at least slightly. This includes not treating followers as equals, using charm, and hiding or twisting truth. In such scenarios a key reason for this is loneliness. If we're using our work and position primarily to gain for appreciation, acknowledgement, and acceptance then we need to examine our own loneliness. We need feedback to keep such conduct in check.