In this book excerpt, Kathleen and Jared offer a path to reach deeper clarity, distinguishing between response and reaction.

In this book excerpt, Kathleen and Jared offer a path to reach deeper clarity, distinguishing between universal needs and strategies.

When a relationship has both differentiation and bonding you can express differences and unmet needs, and responsibly do your own thing without it being a threat to the bond with another. You honor each others choices. There's trust rather than a sense of resentful obligation. Needs-based negotiation is easier. See if you tend to emphasize only differentiation or bonding in your relationships. Imagine how to support the opposite.

Based on your observations of "power with" interactions choose a specific, do-able to practice so that you're prepared the next time you're in a power under/power over dynamic. Keep the practice simple to do in a difficult moment. Then reflect: identify what you did (internally or externally) or said that (de)escalated the dynamic. This practice requires noticing what went well, self compassion, perseverance, and support.

Trainer Tip: Our differences are not in our needs, but in how we attempt to meet them. This simple truth can help you lessen the conflicts in your life and your judgments of other people. Rather than focus on where you disagree, focus on where you are the same. This shift can make a profound difference in your ability to understand yourself and other people, and to bring unity to your life.

Trainer Tip: We all have the same needs, but may prioritize different needs at different times -- and that order of prioritization may look different from other people's perspectives. If your prioritization of needs isn't the same as another's, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you nor them. We can look for many ways to meet our prioritized needs.

Trainer Tip: Someone’s strategy for meeting needs may look different from yours, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t meeting them. This can happen when they appear to be messy and disorganized, but from their perspective they have it organized. It's just less apparent to you how they have organized it. Read on for a related anecdote.

Trainer Tip: We may communicate indirectly when we worry about hurting someone’s feelings. Instead, commit to being direct with compassion, love, honesty, and respect to both yourself and others. They may not enjoy what you say, but at least they'll know where you're coming from. Being true to yourself, you can be true to your relationships. And it can build trust.

Trainer Tip: Next time you prepare for a challenging conversation, solidly connect with your own feelings and needs before entering into meeting. Then attend the meeting open to creating results that work for everyone. This is likely to give increase chances that the conversation will come to a mutually satisfying conclusion.

Have you ever used the phrase "it was just a miscommunication."? We're often good at identifying when communication breaks down but not so good at finding out what went wrong and how we can improve. In this NVC Life Hack, we take a look at different types of communication requests and how they play out in a role play.