NVC Resources with Bob Wentworth

The question “Is X an evaluation?” (where “X" represents whatever word is under discussion) has taken up some controversy in the NVC network. Often, context changes the meaning and assessment of words (eg. use of the term "domination" as in "You’re trying to dominate me!” vs. “domination societies”). Read on for several questions that can support understanding whether a term is evaluative, and...

Here we explore variants of conflict patterns in part two (of this two part series) that include: refuting "straw man arguments"; not checking understanding, repeating unhelpful behaviour; repeatedly asking for what's already given; asserting rather than demonstrating responsiveness; assumptions; denying conflict exists; neglecting interdependence; stonewalling; absence of curiosity, humility,...

To resolve conflict, information of what's important to each party, plus corrections, needs to be included and built upon. Here we explore nine patterns of ongoing conflict, including diagnosis; assuming understanding; refuting; unhelpful communication mediums; over focus on intent over effect; and “hit-and-run” engagement. This is part one of a two part series.

In the "obnoxious stage" we care for our needs in a way that doesn't respect others' needs. In the "emotional liberation" stage we fully care for others' needs as much as our own—while being free of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation. Often NVC training teaches us how to achieve the latter stage without the former. For greater compassion we can be more rigorous in how we talk about...

For us to have a more peaceful world and relationships, growing our skills to engage interdependently is key. An interdependence-oriented person may choose to attend to both inner factors and outer factors that affect their own and others' experiences. Unfortunately, this is likely to be misunderstood by independence-oriented people as enmeshment -- and this is where conflict emerges. Read on...

One clue we have trauma is when we respond in a way we don't want (eg. being reactive, self sabotaging, etc). Even when we have high level NVC skills our trauma-related mechanisms can activate, and we can lose access to well honed NVC skills. Read on for approaches that involve healing trauma, and approaches that involve managing the effects of trauma and preventing additional trauma.

Most of us subject ourselves to so many painful mental jabs and they seldom stimulate helpful change. We can be like a frustrated animal trainer repeatedly whipping an animal, without ever helping the animal to understand what behavior is wanted or offering encouragement. Instead, punishing thoughts can be stepping stones to awareness. We can focus on sensing what we're really aspiring to. This...

The way we talk to one another, and think about or react to our lives, may seem "normal" but eventually, this may reach a point where we realize something isn't working, and we make adjustments. But often the suffering continues if we aren't addressing root causes. In studying NVC we can become more aware of what we are doing and its effects -- plus imagine and implement alternatives that lead...

Perhaps human violence persists because we believe that violence is inevitable and there's nothing we can do about it -— even though there is notable evidence that this is likely not true. Read on for some research and theory on how cultures evolve to be collaborative or violent. Plus, learn benefits of collaboration and downsides to force, punishment, and control. These provide implications...

With abundant evidence that most people have unconscious biases against people --even when that bias runs counter to their own values-- there's a strong chance you recreate this disconnect with people far more often than you recognize. So even with a high degree of NVC skills you may behave in a way that seems "NVC" but also reproduces the painful patterns that marginalized people all-too-often...

Being self-responsible is about empowerment — via noticing what is potentially in our locus of control, getting to know ourselves better, looking at our own role in how we experience life, and making conscious choices to act within our own power. This requires us to be mindful in relating our stories to our needs. Read on for more on this, and the various pifalls within thinking about self...

In lasers, light bounces between the mirrors, with each pass the light grows more intense. Our minds work similarly. Because of the "mirror" effect, where we can react to our reactions to our reactions to our reactions (and so on), changing our thought pattern even modestly at every level of reaction, can dramatically affect our ultimate experience. Usually the greatest amplifiers are the ones...

How we relate to life parallels how we relate to others! Learn how to have a more healthy way of relating to situations and people when your needs are not being met. Bob Wentworth offers some wisdom on moving from suffering to aliveness through not fighting what is.