Ask the Trainer: "Could you share a list of types of requests, with examples of each and a possible strategy for formulating requests in conversation?" Ask the Trainer Dear Trainer, I have heard of different types of requests from listening to various trainers, such as requests for connection, for presence, for action, for clarity, for information and so on. I am finding this list of requests helpful in connecting my needs to the actions that might meet them.Could you share a list of requests, with examples of each, and a possible strategy for formulating requests in conversation?I enjoy reading and hearing different trainers' perspectives of the NVC model. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! —AMS, Georgia, USA Trainer Answer Dear AMS, Before getting into types of requests, I would like to tell you my perspective on the purpose of making requests. The Purpose of Making Requests On the deepest level I have come to think that the purpose of making a request after expressing myself is to see what would move forward the project of meeting both of our needs. This clarity only came to me recently, and has been enormously helpful in teaching and in life. This is quite different from the idea that the purpose of a request is to meet my needs. If I think of it like this, then it leads me to a set of questions as to which request to make. In order for there to be a strategy to meet both our needs, the level of connection between us has to be solid enough that we both trust it. So I ask myself: Do I trust the connection? Do I have sufficient confidence that this person understands me and cares about my needs? Do I have sufficient confidence that I understand this person’s needs? Do I have sufficient confidence that this person trusts my understanding and care? These kinds of questions support me in finding the request I want to make. If I have a lot of trust in all of the above, I feel comfortable making a request immediately related to meeting my needs, trusting that this person knows I care about her/his needs, and therefore will be free to say “no” to me in response. Only then do I feel entirely free to make a request for a specific action or solution. For example, if I come home and I see dishes in the sink, and I know that my housemate or partner said she would do them, and she didn’t, there is no automatic “rule” about whether I would ask her to do the dishes now or not. How do I feel about her not having washed the dishes? If I am upset with her, I want to connect first. If I am not, I am more likely to ask for the dishes to be washed. If this is something that has happened many times, which leads me to believe there are some needs she may have not expressed or even connected with, I want to connect with those needs first. If this is the first time this has happened, I am more likely to ask directly about the dishes. Choosing the Needs To Express Another tip I can give you is that when I express myself, there are always more needs on the table than I am expressing. Again, if we look at the dishes, I may have a need for order, predictability, etc. Those will likely be ones I would express. I may also have a need for care, for support, etc. Most people are much less likely to express those needs, even though they are often the cause of more pain than the needs for order or predictability. And then there are the needs alive in the moment: How am I being received? Am I scared and wanting acceptance for expressing dissatisfaction with something? Am I alive with a desire to know that I matter? Do I want ease in communication? Am I longing for understanding? Do I want, more than anything, mutual understanding and connection? ALL of these may be alive, and I am quite unlikely to express all of them at once. And how is this related to requests? Simply put, when I make a request I essentially choose, sometimes explicitly, often implicitly, which of the many needs alive for me I want to address by making a request. In the above example, the requests could vary depending on the need I am prioritizing in the moment. Relative to order, I would want to request the dishes be done now if it works for my housemate or partner. Relative to support, I might ask a different request if I am not confident that she is up for doing the dishes, depending on what else might be supportive for me (e.g. making a cup of tea) that would be perhaps easier for her to do. Relative to my need for connection, I may request some understanding of what happened that prevented her from doing the dishes. And so on. My purpose in the moment is the most significant factor in deciding which request to use. Hope this helps! —Miki Kashtan, Oakland, California, USA Keywords: needs requests connection requests strategies connection dialogue Miki Kashtan