Do you ever think you have the perfect answer for someone who is struggling? Eric offers a tip on how to approach situations like this. When someone is going through a hard time, it is natural to want to help. Contributing to others is one of our strongest needs, and yet our efforts to help sometimes miss the mark or even make things worse. When our attempts to help are not helpful, it is often because the receiver does not want help. The receiver simply may not be ready to fix something or look at solutions, or they might want to find their own solutions. Even if you think you have the perfect answer for someone who is struggling, it will not truly contribute if it is not wanted. So what can you do? I have two main approaches to supporting others. I offer empathy (resonant NVC-style empathy) before offering advice or solutions. I ask others if they want to hear my advice or ideas before I offer them. Empathy allows people to regulate their emotions and calm their stress. Once they process their feelings and connect to their needs, their brains are in a better state for exploring solutions. I’m not at all against advice and solving things, but it is often more effective and supportive to offer empathy first. I believe very strongly in people being in charge of themselves as much as possible, and we have much to offer each other. Therefore, if I do have some ideas or advice to offer, I ask first if it is wanted before I offer it. I sometimes ask before offering empathy too, especially if I’m not sure the person will be comfortable with empathy. If someone isn’t familiar with empathy, then I’ll say something like, “Can I see if I understand you?” and then reflect back to them their needs and feelings and important content. Or I might ask, “Would you like me to tell you what is standing out for me from what you have said?” Being in charge of ourselves is an important part of differentiation and of making relationships work. When we think we know what is best for others and offer unsolicited help, or when we let others be in charge of us and be our experts, we are not contributing to empowerment, autonomy and self-trust. If someone does not want empathy or advice from me, I ask them to tell me what kind of support they would like. Keywords: self restraint empathy requests strategies contribution responsibility self responsibility advice Eric Bowers