Learn to recognize four forms of thinking and speaking that are likely to lead to disconnection. The Four D's of Disconnection Inspired by the work of Marshall Rosenberg and Lucy Leu Each of the 4 D's is a tragic expression of an unmet need. CategoryMeaningBehavior/ExampleForm DIAGNOSIS Who is what? Judging, labeling, criticizing "You are lazy and only care about yourself!" You are ____________. DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY Who is to blame? Denial of choice, blaming "I have to do what the boss says!" You have to _________. DEMAND Who has power? Implies threat of punishment "Get that proposal out by 5 pm! (or else you will be suspended)" Do _______ or else! DESERVE Who deserves what? Links behavior with punishment and/or reward "If you don't get that project done, don't bother coming in tomorrow!" If _________, then _______. Exercise: Write down at least one example of each of the 4 Ds of Disconnection that you have heard recently. Write down how you feel right now in response to each example. Link your feeling to your need. Write down an empathic guess of what the person might have been feeling and needing when they said what you heard. Example: You are lazy and only care about yourself! I feel sad and frustrated because I have a need to be seen as a caring person. Are you feeling frustrated because you value cooperation? Keywords: demands exercises/practices requests blame jackal talk choice diagnosis deserve disconnection Introduction to NVC learning tool Jim Manske Jori Manske ©2008 peaceworks jim and jori manske radicalcompassion.com