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When Dian works with managers, they often ask how they can manage others more effectively. She almost always asks them: how are you managing yourself?

This question applies to all aspects of life, both at work and at home. How are you: 1) gaining clarity around your needs; 2) managing your internal reactions; and 3) clarifying your requests before you open your mouth (or judge) others? This is why self-empathy – which Dian calls “self-management,” now a buzzword in business – is central to the practice of Nonviolent Communication.

Yet self-empathy is not always easy, especially if events in your life stimulate old, “fossilized” needs. These “fossilized” needs are often precognitive and connected to trauma, and as a result, “live” in your muscle memory. In order to fully release this “stuck” energy, it is necessary to engage your felt-sense while learning to empathize with your body and deeply connect with your younger parts.

Dian calls this process Somatic Self-Empathy (SEE).

Unhook from a reactive dynamic, by staying with your needs and requests, and release attachment to outcome. Start by shifting your attention from the other person to get clear on what's true for you. Read on for strategies to transform reactivity, possible boundary setting behaviors, typical signs of escalation, and more.

When conflict or criticism occurs, we can notice two layers of meaning to create connection: the content and the needs the speaker is holding. When we are able to recognize this --and ideally engage open-heartedly, with curiosity, make clear requests, imagining what they want, no matter how their expression was framed -- we have more opportunity to support the longevity of our relationships, and to decrease our loneliness when together.

Listening is a cornerstone of dialogue and a powerful metaphor for spiritual practice. When we’re willing and able to listen, we open a conduit that allows connection and understanding to happen.

In this NVC Life Hack, we look at those circumstances when we're saying yes ... but only kinda! Because we're still actually saying no. Shantigarbha and Gesine look at the needs that aren't being met.

Ask the Trainer: An NVC Academy member from Bosnia asks: "Is the NVC process truly effective in places where so much violence has occurred and people's pain is very deep?"

Veteran CNVC Certified Trainer Sylvia Haskvitz explores the phases of Knowing, Living and Teaching NVC.

Have you ever gotten a fishing line all tangled up? You got so frustrated you just started yanking on the different loops of line, which of course made the knots and tangles even tighter and more difficult to untangle. Wouldn’t it be great if you could notice the minute you were starting to tangle things up in a discussion with your loved one?

When you attempt to make a request what limiting beliefs come up? See if you recognize any from this list. Then compassionately observe your body sensations, impulses, feelings, needs, memories, energy, and images. In making the request ensure your request is connected to your needs, is doable, what you want, and not attached to them saying yes.