Welcome to the NVC Library

Puzzling about needs and feelings? Check out this excerpt from Dian Killian's course, Embracing the Body: Somatic Self Empathy, where she leads participants through an exercise that demonstrates how our physical sensations connect us to our feelings and needs.

Trainer Tip: Do you sometimes feel lonely and disconnected from others? If so, look at how you may be participating in supporting that outcome and what you can do differently. For instance, if you want support or connection - but prioritize looking composed no matter how sad, hurt or angry you feel, you may shield yourself from authentically and vulnerably asking those things. Instead, make those requests.

The human species is trained and habituated towards separation. This model encourages humans to either give up on their needs or fight for their needs. In this short video, Miki shares how increasing capacity shifts habits of separation and supports holding of all needs. Through intensive lifelong practices we learn to increase our capacity to receive and to increase our capacity to be generous supports our overall capacity to hold all needs.

The question “Is X an evaluation?” (where “X" represents whatever word is under discussion) has taken up some controversy in the NVC network. Often, context changes the meaning and assessment of words (eg. use of the term "domination" as in "You’re trying to dominate me!” vs. “domination societies”). Read on for several questions that can support understanding whether a term is evaluative, and reflect on the results it produces.

Robert's passion was in the spirituality of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process. He saw NVC both as a process that helps people connect more authentically with themselves and others, and as a spiritual practice and way of living. The worldwide NVC community mourned when Robert died in 2021. He left behind a legacy of work that emerged from a lifetime of inquiry into the intersection between spirituality and human communication.

Yvette Erasmus suggests that making peace with our feelings reduces suffering. Sometimes we want to hurry through our feelings and just feel better.

Living Compassion in an Ever-Changing World is the last course that Robert Gonzales offered before his passing in November of 2021. It is an intermediate course whose purpose is to deepen our conscious connection to our own vital life force, to develop skills that support inner healing, and to grow and strengthen daily practices that allow us to truly live life to the fullest.

Our ability to reduce our reliance on money, or even exit the logic of money and exchange in our own thinking, is limited by the degree of trust we have that our needs will be met without it. The more we can enter into sufficient trust, the more we can enter into a web of sharing resources -- borne from a place of love. Read on for more.

Duke Duchscherer explores responding to people who are committed to a punitive process rather than a restorative process. He suggests looking for what needs are met by the punitive process. Could those needs be met in a restorative process?

When avoidance coping or positive thinking sidesteps challenges, internal and external injustice and unrest also rises as we sidestep our values and integrity. It leaves us in sadness and distress. What's unacknowledged impacts ourselves and others undesirably. To live nonviolently we need to be in touch with what's real. With resonance we can more likely be with what's true, and trust our resilience and inner alignment.

How can we hold love, understanding and compassion -- and still confront people about the harmful impact of their actions, hold them accountable, take action, speak truth and advocate for change... all in a manner fully aligned with our values and vision? Read on for how we can do accountability; what kind of action we take and with what motivation; and what our movements for change can look like from this lens.

Trainer Tip: Next time someone asks how you're doing, you can check in with yourself and offer an honest answer. It doesn't need to be 15-minute response. You could say, "I’m feeling tired and overwhelmed by this project. I’m sure it'll work out. I’m just worried about it now. How are you?” If you're ready to do that, then you can be honest with yourself. Doing this can help you be present to how you are, and hold your experience as a gift to self and others.

If you want a better connection it's crucial to be mindful about how your communication affects your partner. This means noticing and keeping eye contact, observing body language, and checking for their reactions. You can also share in small increments, check in before sharing vulnerable thoughts, and express what you notice. Give yourself empathy when you notice that you want to be right more than you’re wanting to be connected.

Trainer Tip: Sometimes our actions keep us from meeting our needs. Let’s say you long for connection with others, but you are also afraid of it, so you push people away. Then you tell yourself that no one likes you, resulting in depression and self-criticism. Self-empathy can help clarify what we truly want rather than focusing on what is wrong with others or ourselves, and help us align in ways more likely to meet our needs.

Yvette Erasmus shares her interpretation of the difference between "faux" feelings and feelings. "Faux" feelings imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame.

How excited do you get about connecting with people who are proving themselves right and who act like they know it all? Do you prefer the company of not-knowers who are in awe of the mystery of life and exploring with humility and innocent curiosity? Masking our vulnerability in not-knowing can point to deep wounds inside us, where perhaps the common denominator is our desire to prove our worth.

Trainer Tip: When there is conflict, the chances are good that people are arguing over a particular strategy. When we focus on our needs, the opportunities for peaceful resolution that values everyone’s needs are much greater. This can also build trust. Be aware of opportunities to shift focus from strategies to needs. Read on for an example of how this can work.

No one on their deathbed wished they worked more. Working is unlikely to bring a meaningful life. And yet greeting friends with survivalist expressions, such as “I'm dead-tired", can feel like affirming our own worth. Taking time off can bring inner spaciousness, ease, rest and consequently time to meet life, to really meet it. Which brings more clarity into the question of what we would like to celebrate on our deathbed.

When feeling unworthy, powerless, or afraid, we can hear others' comments as criticism, rejection, demands, limits, or attacks. Practice self-compassion, release attachments, and ask “How can I stretch the boundaries of who I believe myself to be, in service of love?”. Try replacing love with a word that inspires you (e.g. freedom, thriving, etc). Note answers that arise later. Or explore the question with a trusted person or in a journal. Read on for examples.

Trainer Tip: Ask someone what they enjoy about you being in their life. For example, “Would you tell me 3 specific reasons you enjoy having me in your life?” To a vague reply like, “Oh, you know I love you. I just like spending time with you.” Or, “You’re one of my best employees!” ask for more specificity (eg. “Can you tell me what I do and what needs it meets that makes me one of your best employees?”). This may reveal more to both of you.