Trainer Tip: When in a conflict that doesn’t seem to have a solution being aware of your needs, and then being creative and flexible about getting them met, can go a long way to coming up with creative solutions that work for everyone. Trainer Tip By perseverance the snail reached the ark. —Charles Haddon Spurgeon Do you ever find yourself in an argument that doesn’t seem to have a solution? Consider this couple’s situation. The husband picks up after himself and he likes a neat home; the wife tends to put things down and leave them there. Their arguments usually involve the husband accusing the wife of being lazy and uncaring, and the wife accusing the husband of being rigid. The only two strategies that they can come up with are either the husband picks up for both of them or the wife tries to pick up for herself. But she usually doesn’t stick with it for long and the argument starts over. Sometimes people get stuck in this kind of argument for years. How about a different approach? Let’s consider the needs. The husband may need orderliness and cooperation, while the wife may need spontaneity and autonomy. Suppose he says to her, “You know, when I come home and see your clothes on the floor from the living room to the bedroom, I feel confused and annoyed because yesterday I heard you say that you would start picking up your things. Did I hear you correctly yesterday?” “Well, yeah, but you know I came home and jumped in the shower. I meant to pick up the clothes, but then I started reading the paper and just forgot.” “So, your intention was to pick up your clothes, but then you got distracted?” “Yeah. That’s it.” “You know, when I hear that I feel annoyed because I’d really like to trust that you’ll follow through on your commitments. Do you think you heard my request to pick up your things as a demand?” “Of course it’s a demand. If I don’t do it your way, I’m in trouble.” “I can see how you’d think that because I have been really upset about this issue for a long time. But I’d like you to hear it differently now. I really do value orderliness, but I also value your need for autonomy and spontaneity. I’d truly like for us to create a solution that meets both of our needs. Would you be willing to brainstorm ideas with me that might accomplish that?” Can you imagine new solutions to this ongoing conflict? It’s especially difficult to be creative when you are emotionally charged by the situation. Here are a few ideas: She pays someone to clean the house weekly; they put a box by the front door for all the clothes she takes off; she has one room in the house designated hers where she can be as untidy as she likes; he has one room that’s his and keeps it as tidy as he likes; or he continues to tidy the house for both of them and she adds other duties to her list, such as the laundry or yard work. The point is that there are numerous ways to meet these needs. The trick is to be creative and flexible in choosing strategies. Be aware of your needs today and be creative and flexible about getting them met. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press. Keywords: persistence conflict household cleaning problem solving Mary Mackenzie