What we refer to as "selfishness" is action taken without concern for the impact or cost of that action. Self-responsibility, on the other hand, includes actively living from the truth of interdependence, care for your and others needs, thriving of all, and more. We can access clarity of self care when we have open flexibility, curiosity, and responsiveness. Read on for more on the indicators and attributes of each of these distinctions.

• selfish
• self care
• responsibility
• interdependence
• distinctions
• deserve
• impact
• should
• reactivity
• flexibility
• curiosity
• responsiveness
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

What have you lost this year during this COVID-19 pandemic? Are you grieving too? Recognition of loss can helped contextualize our emotions. When we can meet grief with understanding, patience and tenderness, when we create space to mourn our losses -- and to begin to process, heal and metabolize loss. This can help us make sense of change and orient to a new reality. Grief is a longing for what we love.

This article was originally published on Oren's Website: https://www.orenjaysofer.com

• pandemic
• COVID-19
• loss
• grief
• change
• mourn
• Oren Sofer
• Oren Jay Sofer

Worthlessness and shame are linked to the idea of not belonging or being unworthy of belonging -- that is, a deep sense of belonging to life, to your sense of self, and to our earth. Compensatory strategies to win worthiness and belonging arise from here and effectively block the very thing it is pursuing. Transformation occurs when there is a critical mass of clarity about the harm of a particular way of thinking and behaving.

• worthiness
• belonging
• shame
• mask
• self sabotage
• habit
• conditioning
• self esteem
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

When someone responds with painful sarcasm, criticism, or dismissal you can respond with empathy, or with clarity about your intention, need and request. If you're unable to do this, later you can privately write what they said, identify the feelings and needs of both of you, then write possible responses. This can help you remember to stay with your intention and what’s true for you without getting caught in defensiveness or reactivity.

• sarcasm
• criticism
• dismissal
• vulnerable
• reactivity
• defensive
• disrespect
• honest expression
• intention
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Here are some very basic forms and distinctions of NVC. It covers the 4 D's, OFNR, some NVC distinctions, tips, quotes from Marshall Rosenberg, and "feelings and needs" lists, and more. As with any art, these rudiments necessarily must be learned, practiced, understood, embodied and then let go of so as not to become rote and block creativity..

• observation
• feeling
• need
• request
• demand
• evaluation
• judgement
• empathy
• honest expression
• mourning
• celebration
• diagnosis
• denial
• deserve
• OFNR
• Marshall Rosenberg
• David Weinstock

In times of stress, some part of you may still hold the belief that you can't be present for the stressor and survive. Some part of you may believe you have to go away. There are three things you can consider when attempting to intervene with the reactive pattern of shutting down: how you relate to the shutting down, access to self-confidence, and engagement. Read on for more.

• freeze
• stress
• trigger
• reactivity
• presence
• confidence
• mindful
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Interrupt cycles of conflict by creating a new ways forward. You can do this by connecting with the energy of the met needs you want in the dynamic; guessing the other person's needs; naming your needs; asking essential questions; identifying at least three different strategies to meet each need; and imagining the positive outcome. Read on for more.

• conflict
• reactivity
• collaboration
• fun
• warmth
• trust
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

When asking for respect it helps to first get clear about your interpretations of other's behavior. You can do this by asking about the other's intentions before believing your thoughts. You can also make a clear request for what specifically you want to see happen instead. Read on for more.

• respect
• requests
• connection requests
• criticism
• insult
• rude
• care
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Love keeps the thread of connection intact in times when all around us we see the human fabric becoming threadbare. When we dig deep with love into guessing what others care about that had given rise to their actions, it changes us. It brings us closer to understanding the incomprehensible -- and closer to vision, imagination, humility, curiosity, commonality, and loving action. Read on for more on applying this to people we deem "conspiracy theorists", and those who are on the other end of the political divide.

• love
• violence
• coup
• Donald Trump
• polarization
• social change
• right wing
• militia
• politics
• disagreement
• conflict
• humbleness
• humility
• covid-19
• covid
• Miki Kashtan

There are many layers of consciousness, knowledge, and skill that contribute to a successful negotiation. A successful negotiation is one where honor and connection lead to a way forward, and leads to a plan of action that considers and meets everyone's needs in that situation. Read on for three fundamental principles that help with successful needs-based negotiation.

• Negotiation
• Objection
• Conflict
• Friendship
• Relationship
• Boundaries
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

For us to open the door to seemlingly impossible societal changes, we need to find and transform enemy images in order to influence and collaborate with those who seem to be standing in our way. Here's an anecdote to show that this is what lead to Martin Luther King Jr's success in creating social change.

• Martin Luther King
• Social change
• Enemy images
• Partnership
• Eddie Zacapa

Reacting is deciding what to do based on what someone else does. Responding is deciding what to do based on your own needs and values. When someone isn't responding the way you want, and you want to respond in a way that embodies your values, with warmth and patience, examine your reactions. Ask yourself how you can access compassion and action that contributes to the well-being of all.

• enemy images
• Mindful
• Conflict
• Reactive
• Energy of the Need
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

If we befriend our fear we cannot be paralyzed by it. Every fear that arises is a moment to increase our capacity. Fear is connected to something that is precious to us. We also can see what we do to numb our pain and how we try to avoid it. This knowledge can help us to choose healthier strategies to deal with our fears.

• Fear
• Courage
• Anxiety
• Presence
• Eddie Zacapa

When we're judging we're less able to access what we care about and what we could do about the situation. Instead, create more internal space, self connection and agency starting with connecting to your feelings and needs; then feel your grief or disappointment; followed by getting curious about the other party's needs and context -- and then based on collective needs and the long term effects make requests or take aligned action that works for all.

• Judgement
• Conflict
• Reactive
• Energy of the Need
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Don’t just do something, stand there…… take a breather from the internet, infomercials, the dramas and challenges. Go for a walk, take some space, sit in silence to connect to the real web ………and then do something.

Courage

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all of one’s heart.”

We all seek the experience of being connected and alive. The difficulty is that to find the connection we desire, we must not be afraid of it. Courage is not as much about going off to fight dragons as it is about facing our demons, tolerating our feelings, and not reacting so quickly, in order to hear what our emotions are trying to tell us. Empathy requires a profound fearlessness to listen to and even embrace what we do not know, sometimes for a long time. Sometimes it takes great courage to not do anything and just listen.

One day a young woman in her mid-20s, Joanne, showed up at our door. She was strung out, suicidal, and wanted help to kick her heroin addiction. Judith and I knew her a half dozen years earlier as a bright, loving, and capable friend. Now with her mind and body compromised by drugs, she was fighting for her life. Joanne spent the next month at our house. Never completely clean, her ability to be honest with herself was patchy. Several neighbors helped where they could, but none of us had much experience with this sort of thing. We called on our friend Peter, an ex addict now clean for 30 years who surely had some understanding of what Joanne was up against. Peter wept as he told us of people he had known, befriended and tried to help that had died and his fear of putting his heart back on the line once again with someone who might go back on the streets and self destruct. This being true, the next day he offered to go with Joanne to Narcotics Anonymous every day for the next 30 days if she would commit to it! He cared. Her courage to fight moved him; his courage to help moved her. When last we spoke, Joanne was on a healing path! Peter, died recently and the mark he left most on me and the people who knew him is the courage he had for authentically being his caring, playful, jokester, artist self.

Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychology, said, “What we are most ashamed of is often what is most common.” We’re wired to tell our stories, and even though our mother culture teaches us not to reveal our imperfections, this is where we can deeply connect. Common sense tells us that we are all in this together and this being the case there is a collective processing and learning we are a part of. Living our lives more courageously honest and transparently is an essential shift towards healthy community. Through the years in our workshops, there is nothing more moving than when someone who is afraid to reveal his or her self musters the courage to speak out and does so for the sake of genuinely connecting and contributing to the others in the room.

When someone courageously risks vulnerability against all his or her imperfections, it opens the hearts of those near by. Surprisingly, people who are considered the least likely leaders can end up inspiring us the most. Everyday people and everyday acts of courage and heart change everything.

• Trainer Tip
• Courage
• Fear
• Uncertainty
• Addiction
• Shame
• Self Disclosure
• Intervention
• Vulnerability
• David Weinstock

When you follow your worry to the underlying universal need, you can check in with that need and discern wise action. To get there, we can try out prayer, wishes, savoring the need, or compassionate witnessing. If you are noticing and naming the aspects of worry continuously, the compassionate witnessing practice will interrupt the habitual spinning of worry-filled stories. There are at least six things you can witness with curiosity. Read on for more.

• Worry
• Fear
• Energy of the Need
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

In pandemic many are asked to stay home. If we are experiencing abuse and domestic violence we're also most at risk of harm or death if we leave. There are also other less visible pieces at work. In this situation, acknowledging our pain, needs and experience can lighten the internal load to meet what is real, and claim our foundational truth. We can do the same for our kids. This can open more pathways forward, and provide strength to leave when its more viable.

• Violence
• Abuse
• Self Validation
• Self Empathy
• Eddie Zacapa

As you witness injustices in the world, tension, anger, hopelessness, despair and more, may rise up in you. These feelings may lead to reactive thinking that doesn't contribute to healing nor wise action. Mourning is a universal need. If your culture pushed away grief and its emotional expression, you may have habits that block your access to the aliveness of grief. Read on for ways to give grief the space and support it needs.

• Grief
• Mourn
• Despair
• Self Care
• Resistance
• Anger
• Hopelessness
• Reactivity
• Healing
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

The ability to identify your needs and take effective action to meet them is one way to define agency. Access to agency is complex and varies widely from person to person. Access to agency depends upon a variety of conditions. For example, if you struggle with agency, shame may tell you that you're broken in some way. If agency comes easily in an area, then you may view others who struggle with it, as lazy or stubborn. Read on for more.

• Agency
• Shame
• Conflict
• Lazy
• Stubborn
• Change
• Differences
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Read on for a demonstration of self empathy -- all generated within the context of both the COVID-19 pandemic, and the changes to Bridget's life that have arisen as a result.

"Every day the amount of change has been so huge! Each day lately has felt like a week or even a month. Why? Because the amount of change every day has been so huge. Change to our home lives. Change to our work lives. Change to the structures of our society, locally and globally. Which of us ever imagined that cafés, schools, sports events and even borders would be closed around the world? That the police in Spain would use drones to speak to people in parks to tell them to go home and stay home? That people worldwide would be thrown into precarious financial situations, as large and small businesses suddenly slow down or shut down? As I write this I feel a pulse of tension in my lower rib cage that tells me fear is coming alive in me. My rib cage tightens and my breathing becomes shallower."