Browse the NVC Library

For each reactive pattern there is a perceived threat to a tender need. Knowing these tender needs helps us figure out how to interrupt these patterns and creating new ways of perceiving and relating to life. In addition to knowing the need, knowing the healing response and the primary reactive behavior helps with transformation.

Perhaps human violence persists because we believe that violence is inevitable and there's nothing we can do about it -— even though there is notable evidence that this is likely not true. Read on for some research and theory on how cultures evolve to be collaborative or violent. Plus, learn benefits of collaboration and downsides to force, punishment, and control. These provide implications for how we might move towards a culture of more peace.

What is it that we are taught we can’t have, and what is it that we are encouraged to pursue instead? This guide could help you see through what's hidden behind the curtain of our societal conditioning.

Human health is connected to health of ecosystems and other societies. Our wellness and liberation is found in our interconnection, kinship, reverence for life, and solidarity. Solidarity erodes through narratives, practices and policies that separate us from each other -- and this impacts societal functioning. The breakdown creates conditions for pandemic, racism, police brutality, exploitation in untold numbers, and extinction. Read on for how all is connected.

When someone behaves in a way that you may label convincing, cajoling, guilt-tripping, threatening, analyzing, or criticizing, you may be tempted to guess they have a "need" for control. Instead, name what this person is doing that isn't meeting your needs. If it is a true need your heart will have softened. If you feel resentment or resistance, you are likely making a judgment rather than guessing what they are needing.

Control may help us feel safe in an unpredictable, unsafe, wild world. Wanting control may be a response to shielding ourselves from feeling fear and being aware of our vulnerability. The more we insulate from fear, discomfort, and vulnerability, the more we are cut off from aliveness; we can become more anxious, and depressed. The more we control the more we are disconnected from empathy and care. With aliveness come joy, peace, love, awe.