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  1. Trainer Tip: Violence results from thinking that others caused our pain and deserve to be punished. The cause of our feelings is related to our own needs in the moment. What happened is the stimulus. Notice this when you are tempted to blame other people for your feelings, and try to discover your unmet needs.

  2. The Cause of Our Feelings

    The Cause of Our Feelings

    John Kinyon, Miki Kashtan

    Trainer Tips · 3 - 5 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Ask the Trainer: “I would love some clarity about the NVC perspective on the cause of our feelings. It seems to me that my needs may be met or not, but the cause of my painful feelings is my story around the situation.”

  3. Stimulus vs. Cause

    Stimulus vs. Cause

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 6/22/2020

    Trainer tip: Notice how the exact same actions can stimulate different feelings depending on if your needs are met or unmet. So while what people say or do is the stimulus, the actual cause of our feelings comes from our met or unmet needs. Read on for more on this.

  4. We can see throughout many examples in history that when we look for "who" is at fault, and thereby seek social change through shaming that person (or that group), it tends to lead to disastrous long term consequences. Even if it works in the short term. Instead, if we want to end cycles of violence we can seek to understand systemic causes and context of individuals' behaviour. And from there, look for solutions that stem from this understanding.

  5. Cause of Feelings

    Cause of Feelings

    Sylvia Haskvitz

    Audio · 13 minutes · 7/29/2010

    Many of us blame other people for our feelings but our own state of needs is the true cause. In this powerful audio, Sylvia teaches you how to manage your emotions in challenging situations and demonstrates the process of Screaming in Giraffe.

  6. Recognize and Manage Reactivity About Your Cause

    Recognize and Manage Reactivity About Your Cause

    Elia Lowe-Chardé

    Practice Exercises · 3 - 5 minutes · 05/10/2022

    When we care about our cause and want to mitigate disaster, we may become reactive. However, transformation comes through connection, rather than convincing, judging, criticising, controlling, and making demands of others. To inspire change, get curious about how they relate to the topic – and get support for yourself elsewhere to process grief, become more present and compassionate, speak self-responsibly, and make requests.

  7. 10 Healthy Ways To Deal With Anger

    10 Healthy Ways To Deal With Anger

    Eddie Zacapa

    Articles · 4 - 6 minutes · 5/20/2023

    We can see anger as an alarm or signal that can inform us that unmet needs require attention, or that we hold judgements. We can shift our own anger in several healthy ways: get present, identify the stimulus and any judgements or unmet needs, look for ways to meet our needs, make requests that support our needs, express our needs to ourselves and appropriate others, and more.

  8. Protective Vs. Punitive Use Of Force

    Protective Vs. Punitive Use Of Force

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 1/14/2023

    Trainer Tip: Punitive use of force stems from a belief that people behave in certain ways because they're bad, and that they need to be punished to mend their ways. One way to punish is to judge them. In contrast, protective use of force stems from a desire to prevent injury or injustice. It focuses on protecting people’s rights and well-being, not judging their behavior.

  9. The Sweetest Game in Town

    The Sweetest Game in Town

    Contributing Without Praise

    Inbal Kashtan

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Inbal answers a parent's question about praise and offers a perspective on how praise translates into the NVC framework.

  10. Parenting for Connection

    Parenting for Connection

    Eddie Zacapa

    Articles · 5 - 7 minutes · 10/05/2023

    By guessing our child's feelings and needs we open the door to understanding what's behind their behavior, and can better suggest solutions that meet both their and our own needs. In this way we build trust and their desire to seek us out in times of need. Expressing our own feelings and needs also allows us to help them understand the value in fulfilling tasks or requests.

  11. Commitment

    Commitment

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 9/15/2021

    Do you ever give up on disagreements, temporarily or permanently? Do you ever disengage from conflict because you’re certain the situation can't be resolved? Sometimes this applies. And consider how you may be giving up too soon, which decreases the possibility for resolution. This speaks to your level of commitment. How committed are you to valuing another’s needs and to finding resolution?

  12. Myths Of Power With

    Myths Of Power With

    Everyone Can Be Included

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 7 - 12 minutes · 7/13/2023

    Total inclusion is impossible: inclusion of all can often lead to exclusion of those who can't bear the behaviors of some. Many groups flounder and disintegrate because of too much inclusion. Limited resources and capacities may make it necessary to exclude. Keeping more coherent shared values and strategies may be another reason to place membership conditions so that what appears to be exclusion may give movements a chance to expand.

  13. Living In Joy

    Living In Joy

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 10/12/2022

    Trainer Tip: When faced with doing a task that doesn't seem fun try saying to yourself something to the effect of “I do this activity because I value...”. Complete the sentence with related needs, then ask yourself if you still want to complete the task. This can take the demand out of the tasks. Next, choose accordingly. This can teach you about, or give you more access to, true choice in life.

  14. Blame, Responsibility, And Care

    Blame, Responsibility, And Care

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 11 - 16 minutes · 10/9/2022

    One NVC principle is "stimulus vs cause" - one may be the stimulus but never the cause of another's feelings. When we're upset this principle can help us express pain without blame. However, when others are upset it's easy to slip into blaming them using this principle. Instead, we can hear their pain with care and heartfelt mourning - without guilt nor defensiveness, and whether or not we agree. All this is important if we're sincerely applying compassion. Read on for more.

  15. Empowering Ourselves Through Our Choices

    Empowering Ourselves Through Our Choices

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 6/20/2022

    Trainer Tip: Today, when you tell yourself that you "have to" or "should" do something, notice what you feel and experience - is it a sense of duty, obligation, guilt, shame, overwhelm, constriction, heaviness? Then consider the underlying needs you are trying to meet with the activity. This can shift the purpose and intention with an energy that motivates our actions can bring empowerment and joy to our lives.

  16. Facilitating Connection

    Facilitating Connection

    Jim & Jori Manske

    Audio · 59 minutes · 25/10/2011

    Expressing ourselves honestly is sometimes scary because we can't predict where the conversation will go after we've made ourselves vulnerable. This recording will demonstrate how the power of our honesty is enhanced by ending on a clear and present request.

  17. Defusing Anger

    Defusing Anger

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 1/25/2018

    Trainer Tip: Many of us are afraid of our anger because we haven’t learned how to express it in a way that brings relief or that helps us meet our needs in the situation. Consider a different approach to anger, one that helps you fully express your anger and is more likely to help you meet your needs for relief, to be heard, or to be understood.

  18. Does Anyone Deserve Anything?

    Does Anyone Deserve Anything?

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 13 - 20 minutes · 11/8/2019

    Our world trains us to think in terms of providing for everyone’s needs because they deserve it, earned it, or they possess the resources -- it's fair, socially just, supports equality or because people have rights. Instead, can we step outside this worldview to look at providing for everyone’s needs because those needs exist -- can we hold this basic reverence for life? Are we able to have a needs-based dialogue when such a reframe could alienate those who live in the worldview of earn/deserve?

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