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Exploring how stories and unmet needs each influence the cause of our feelings in NVC.

In June, 1996, I had an epiphany. In a motel room in Indiana, the night before returning home from a solo camping trip in Michigan and Canada, I discovered how much I had lost in my life because of so fiercely protecting myself. Up until that day, bringing forth my vulnerable self was to be avoided at all costs, which kept me numb much of the time, disconnected from myself and from much of life. Alone in my room, I cried, I talked out loud, and I finally exclaimed to myself that I wanted to reclaim every last bit of my vulnerability, just like I had it as a child.

Trainer Tip: Mary offers 3 foundational tips for making requests: positivity, specificity and doability.

Hello friends. I’m Roxy Manning. When Mary invited me to write this letter, I could not help but reflect on what has been most alive for me recently… the way many of us will easily help someone else, but fear to ask for help for ourselves. On December 4, I had an operation. My doctor predicted my recovery would take three weeks. As I prepared for the time off, I rushed to complete all of my work and personal commitments. I prepped and froze dishes so I would have things to eat after and arranged meal deliveries. Very few people knew I was having an operation and I reached out to only one person for support after. In hindsight, I was doing everything I could so...

Ask the Trainer: Get ideas to help your girlfriend accept you aren't responsible for her feelings.

When an entity or system has authority or power and mandates something we don't agree with we may submit or to rebel. If we submit, we give in or give up, often out of fear. If we rebel, we're in reactivity which may not help our cause, and reduce our power. This may result in others' resentment, anger, and pain. Gandhi and Martin Luther King didn't submit nor rebel. Instead, they were in choice and advocated for their cause.

Jim and Jori offer practical tools to help us develop patience through a process they call WAIT: Wake up, Accept, Insight, Take a step.

Inbal answers a parent's question about praise and offers a perspective on how praise translates into the NVC framework.

The human brain is a conservative organ that comprises different systems with varying degrees of conscious awareness, which evolved in three basic stages of human history (the lizard-squirrel-monkey brain.) In my understanding, we could say, the brain has strong needs for understanding, order, predictability and meaning. In fact, one of its key functions is to process experiences, and predict what the world is like, in order to maximize survival.  CNVC Certified Trainer Stephanie Bachmann Mattei explores the biological basis of our inner jackal voices.

Our craving for love, acceptance, and approval can lead us to show only parts of ourselves and hide others. This lack of authenticity breeds disconnection and mistrust, leading to those very needs not being met. Once I accept myself, being authentic is easier. And then people in my life can love me for who I really am, warts and all.

Judgment is an attempt to protect from hopelessness or insecurity, at high cost. Instead, check in with fear, grief, or hurt. Then wonder what needs are at stake for everyone. This makes space for grief instead of anger, for negotiation rather than control, and for "calling in" rather than excluding. Wonder: “For whom would this be life-serving or not?”, “What strategies would care for all needs?” or, “What can I contribute now?”

Miki Kashtan helps you move past fear and build skill in making clear, confident requests.

Jori and Jim Manske offer writing practices to help us become more firmly grounded in the authorship of our lives. That grounding helps us share ourselves with others more authentically and vulnerably(scary honesty)

How do you know when you’re projecting disowned parts or replaying old relationship dynamics? It’s hard to know for sure, but if you find yourself upset or shutting down and unable to have a dialogue in which you can speak clearly about your feelings and needs and empathize with the other’s feelings and needs, there is likely a projection. The stronger your reaction, the more likely you are projecting.

Trainer Tip: When we try to make another person fit into a reality that we prefer in order to meet our own needs everyone suffers. Instead, bring your focus back to yourself. Notice which of your needs are met or unmet when you spend time with someone. Don’t judge them; just focus on your feelings and needs. Then, decide whether continuing the relationship will meet them.

In listening to what our emotions tell us, and embracing what we do not know, we begin the path of courage. Even though our culture tells us not to, revealing our imperfections is where we can deeply connect. Living our lives more courageously honest, can shift us towards inspiring one another. Read on for how some people experienced this in coming together to transform one woman's heroine addiction.

How we treat ourselves when we fall short of our own ideals, desires and hopes can profoundly affect the quality of our lives. Learn how to identify your triggers and reactions, to mourn falling short, and to practice self-connection and self-empathy. 

In this book excerpt, Kathleen and Jared offer a path to reach deeper clarity, distinguishing between revealing ourselves and projection.