Search the NVC Library

The human species is trained and habituated towards separation. This model encourages humans to either give up on their needs or fight for their needs. In this short video, Miki shares how increasing capacity shifts habits of separation and supports holding of all needs.

Trainer Tip: Oftentimes, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to create opportunities to promote open dialogue about our concerns. Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.

Let this inspiring video guide you through exercises as if you are actually present at the workshop with Mary Mackenzie! The video opens with Mary leading you through an exercise that generates a physical experience of the NVC consciousness.

Even in the pandemic the line between what’s essential for people and what is “essential” for fueling the economy, often gets confused. Capitalist market economies actively undermine attending to needs for the many and for life as a whole. Economic recovery is a mirage leading to continued collective oppression. This article explores possible ways to bring us closer to attending to our actual needs — and caring for self, others and life.

Control may help us feel safe in an unpredictable, unsafe, wild world. Wanting control may be a response to shielding ourselves from feeling fear and being aware of our vulnerability. The more we insulate from fear, discomfort, and vulnerability, the more we are cut off from aliveness; we can become more anxious, and depressed. The more we control the more we are disconnected from empathy and care. With aliveness come joy, peace, love, awe.

The word "privilege" signifies the benefit to the person having it, and the relationship between that person’s benefit and others' lack of benefit. When privileged, there are incentives to not see this interdependent link. For instance, it's easier for the wealthy to think of the poverty of many and the wealth of some are unrelated. If the wealthy want to keep wealth they would need to continue with approaches rooted in this separation.

So many of us have been taught to solve conflicts by what is “fair.” However, Miki Kashtan states that fairness is a separating concept. In this video, she describes how when we do not have the conditions to care for all needs involved, when we live within separation, fairness is second best. 

Observation is the awareness of our sensory perceptions and thoughts, separate from evaluations and judgments. Feeling involves bodily sensations and emotions, distinct from "faux feelings" that mix thought and emotion. Needs encompass universal human requirements for survival and wellness, while thoughts and evaluations express needs. Requests are rooted in connection and invite true willingness, rather than demanding compliance.

Trainer Tip: When we match might with might, we create discord, frustration, and separation from other people. Instead, place aside your urge to be right or to win. Approach charged situations with a sincere desire to be honest, and to value everyone’s needs including your own. The way you show up is a valuable asset. You may not get what you asked for but you can increase your chances of meeting your needs for integrity, and more.

Self-compassion is essential for healing trauma and restoring your wholeness. It is also an antidote to reactivity and separation, allowing presence to emerge.

In developing presence, you can become what the world needs most in these times of intensity and chaos. This work can strengthen your skills to be more fully in relationship with all that life offers while allowing your heart to be moved by what is alive in you and with others

Trainer Tip: When we express frustration without blaming others and by clarifying our own needs and requests, we diminish the possibility of hurt feelings and separation in our relationships. So next time you feel very agitated or angry, rather than implying the other person is wrong or at fault, try the following: own your feelings, make a specific request, and rather than implying they need to give up their needs focus on your needs.

Whether we have more or less power and privilege, anything without liberation for all is within patriarchal separation, and will continue cycles of oppression. To liberate ourselves and one another we need to increase our collective capacity through developing related knowledge, skills, research; build an understanding of patriarchal roots; confront lovingly; co-hold dilemmas about privilege; co-shape outcomes; etc.

Read here about patriarchy as a system, its impact on men and women, how its rooted in separation and control, leading to dominance and submission. Under patriarchy, even men are brutalized. Instead, we can embrace nonviolence to challenge patriarchy and its offspring (eg. capitalism, child trafficking, etc). And to make a lifelong commitment to undo socialization, act within our influence, and work towards liberation of all.

Eric Bowers explains how needs and strategies correlate to different brain hemispheres, and how relaxing into our needs opens us to greater possibilities.

Ask the Trainer: "In trainings I say our jackals are thoughts and now I've come to wonder if all thoughts are jackals...?"

The focus on patriarchy emerges from the understanding that patriarchy plays a foundational role in everything. Yes, I mean it: everything. Patriarchy is not the same as sexism; patriarchy is to sexism very much what structural racism is to (interpersonal) racism: it's a system that runs independently of any one person's attitudes or behaviors. Join Miki for her first in a series of discussions on patriarchy.

The human species is trained and habituated towards separation. This model encourages humans to either give up on their needs or fight for their needs. In this short video, Miki shares how increasing capacity shifts habits of separation and supports holding of all needs. Through intensive lifelong practices we learn to increase our capacity to receive and to increase our capacity to be generous supports our overall capacity to hold all needs.

• Integrate the underlying principles of NVC into your daily life
• Create a daily practice of self empathy and connecting to needs
• Strengthen your own personalized set of NVC skills
• Increase your sense of power in the world
• Deepen connection with yourself and those in your life

• Explore what makes the capacity lens radical and practical
• Understand the complexities of how capacity and willingness interface
• Mourn capacity limits within and around us without jumping to conclusions
• Orient to agreements as behavioral anchoring in support of your commitments