In June, 1996, I had an epiphany. In a motel room in Indiana, the night before returning home from a solo camping trip in Michigan and Canada, I discovered how much I had lost in my life because of so fiercely protecting myself. Up until that day, bringing forth my vulnerable self was to be avoided at all costs, which kept me numb much of the time, disconnected from myself and from much of...

With coaching or counselling clients, their resistance can show up as “bracing against” something. But if we push back against their resistance, we miss noticing what they're protecting or embracing. By going into resistance clients build awareness and often shift when they get clear about their underlying needs, and new choices. Some clients don’t shift even after we’ve tried everything. In...

This document is for organizations that want to integrate NVC. The intention is to use conflict as a stimulus to personal growth, more open and honest relationships, and life-affirming change. It mentions using NVC skills such as self connection, empathy, honesty, and requests (and protective use of force as last resort) to navigate the conflict with an intention of connection.

Use this exercise to identify what state you're in at any moment, and as an exercise to grow capacity for self-awareness and self-compassion. Identify what happened, thoughts, sensations, feelings, longings, etc. Includes a table that outlines three states of being: Protective/Defensive, Vulnerability, Essence.

During this course, you'll deeply examine this process of blending and integrating your inner and outer selves. Not only will you explore various states of being, such as defensive / protective and being / essence, you'll delve into the primary levels of relationship: to others, to the world and to life, acquire tools for transforming resistance into unconditional acceptance, and much more.

Blame is the game that protects me from the understanding that the cause of all my emotional distress, fear, shame and guilt comes from the part of me I call "the inner voice." As long as I keep the big bony finger of blame pointed in your direction, I can remain unaware of the fact that it is what I am telling myself about your behavior that is stimulating my painful reactions.

It can seem like anger protects you. But it's your ability to name your needs, honor your range of feelings, and act on your needs that keeps you healthy and safe. When you remain present for an emotion and allow it to flow, it'll last just over a minute and dissolve, making room for the next layer of experience. Practice noticing any anger you have, without resistance. Set up self-empathy or...

In healing reactivity try identifying your most common complaints, wishes, or requests. Or when you tend to defend, justify, get angry, or protect. Find the tender needs. You can recall when you experienced deep nourishment of that need. Several times a week nourish your tender needs. Be clear about the strategy to address needs by answering key questions. Read on for more.

Sometimes we want to avoid placing our love and trust in someone, to protect our hearts and our life energies. And so there are deeper questions that we can use to check whether we're in relationship with someone who doesn't have capacity to be in relationship with us (eg. “Do I have a sense of mattering in this relationship?”). Read on for more questions we use to assess our empathy and...

For effective dialogue clarify your needs, boundaries, and requests beforehand. Setting boundaries is telling someone what you're going to do in order to meet or protect needs for yourself or others. Whereas with requests, even if you have preferences, you still hold open curiosity about strategies to collaborate with others in meeting needs. Read on for more.

Some arguments stay stuck because each person thinks it's about the content of the argument, rather than the needs each person is attempting to protect. When the needs get attached to the strategies a "no way out" scenario gets created. Instead, fully step into one another's worlds and connect to the feelings and needs behind the strategy each party is putting forth. Read on for six elements to...

What is a good baby? If you have been raised in a Western culture, chances are you know the answer right away (whether or not you agree with it). A good baby is one that doesn't cry! The training against vulnerability starts very early in life.

Judgment is an attempt to protect from hopelessness or insecurity, at high cost. Instead, check in with fear, grief, or hurt. Then wonder what needs are at stake for everyone. This makes space for grief instead of anger, for negotiation rather than control, and for "calling in" rather than excluding. Wonder: “For whom would this be life-serving or not?”, “What strategies would care for all...

Trainer Tip: Meetings can be unproductive when the participants aren’t clear about their needs or what they want from the group. When participants express opinions without expressing a need or informing the group of what they want, the meeting lacks clarity. Instead, if we can focus on naming our needs and make related requests, we can get closer to resolution much faster and enjoy the process...

Trainer Tip: With empathy, ponder one area of your life that you are unhappy with today. Consider whether you can take action to change the experience and meet your needs.

This audio training with expert trainer Rita Herzog explores the NVC alternative to family relationships: stay grounded in your own needs and values so you are able to reach out with empathy to family members.

Trainer tip: Why do NVC practitioners sometimes use the jackal as a metaphor in the NVC world? What can it teach us? Read on for more.

Trainer Tip: Do you sometimes feel lonely and disconnected from others? If so, look at how you may be participating in supporting that outcome and what you can do differently. For instance, if you want support or connection - but prioritize looking composed no matter how sad, hurt or angry you feel, you may shield yourself from authentically and vulnerably asking those things. Instead, make...

Trainer tip: Notice how the exact same actions can stimulate different feelings depending on if your needs are met or unmet. So while what people say or do is the stimulus, the actual cause of our feelings comes from our met or unmet needs. Read on for more on this.

One of the premises in NVC is that behind all behavior and expressions are Universal Human Needs as the deeper motivators. And one of the key distinctions in NVC is that between Needs and Strategies. Try Alan Seid's exercise called "Peeling the Layers of the Onion, " a process for uncovering these needs — the deeper motivations — that underlie words and behaviors we may find disturbing or...