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  1. Overcoming Defensiveness

    Overcoming Defensiveness

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 5 - 7 minutes · 9/30/2019

    A big part of why receiving feedback is so challenging is because so few people around us know how to give feedback untainted with criticism, judgment, or our personal upset. But, if we wait for others to offer us usable, digestible, manageable feedback, we will not likely receive sufficient feedback for our growth and learning. Instead, we can grow in our capacity to fish the pearl that’s buried within. Here are three specific suggestions for how.

  2. Meeting Our Need for Sexual Expression

    Meeting Our Need for Sexual Expression

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 10/15/2019

    Trainer Tip: To reduce defensiveness and hurt feelings when talking to your partner about your sexual needs that haven't been met, keep the conversation focused on your needs, not her lack of skill, and make a very specific request. From there, you can both explore any shared needs, blocks, or support needed to bring you both closer to your needs.

  3. Feelings vs Interpretations

    Feelings vs Interpretations

    Elia Lowe-Chardé

    Articles · 1 - 2 minutes · 10/20/2020

    Here's a list of words that pose as feelings, but are actually interpretations of what you think someone is doing to you. They trigger defensiveness in another thereby preventing a connected dialogue. Behind each of these words are precious feelings and needs. This sheet includes ways to distinguish feelings from interpretations.

  4. The Paradox Of Why

    The Paradox Of Why

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 9 - 13 minutes · 8/16/2022

    So often we're habituated to associate a “why” question with being reproached, blamed or shamed – and so defensiveness arises. However, in order to maintain a flow of understanding and collaboration, we need to hear and say the “why” while finding other ways to ask for it. Here we look at how to ask questions that bring each of us vital information that can open up discovery and learning, for our mutual benefit.

  5. The Timing of Making A Request

    The Timing of Making A Request

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 10/12/2021

    It's important to make requests specific and doable. Also, without a swift request immediately after we state our observation, feeling, and need in regard to the situation, the other person is left guessing what we want. Instead, a swift request can bring clarity and lessen the potential for the listener to become defensive or argue.

  6. Sowing the Quilt of Connection

    Sowing the Quilt of Connection

    Jim & Jori Manske

    Audio · 1 hour, 3 minutes · 5/20/2016

    Jim Manske offers practices to stay in dialogue without defensiveness, especially when it's difficult. Listen to Jim discuss the refining of our commitment to connection and how to respond to others' defensiveness too.

  7. Timing of a request

    Timing of a request

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 7/14/2021

    Trainer Tip: Stating our observations, feelings and needs can still be heard as criticism if we don't follow it up right away with a specific, doable request. Ending your statement with a request for what you want can clarify the situation and reduce the chances that you'll be met with defensiveness. Read on for an example.

  8. What Makes NVC Hard?

    What Makes NVC Hard?

    Sarah Peyton

    Articles · 3 - 5 minutes · 11/27/2018

    Sometimes there are moments when empathy has no effect at all on one another.  Why?  One reason could be that our brains maybe less receptive because of unseen forces that affect our nervous system and relationship to others...

  9. Sometimes there are moments when empathy has no effect at all on one another.  Why?  One reason could be that our brains might be less receptive because of unseen forces that affect our nervous system and relationship with others.

  10. Don't Take It Personally

    Don't Take It Personally

    Rachelle Lamb

    Articles · 10 - 15 minutes · 12/17/2018

    When we don't like what someone is saying to us, sometimes people encourage us to hear their needs, and "not take it personally" -- and we're inclined to agree.  Could "not taking it personally" close our hearts and awareness to others, life and ourselves?  Rachelle Lamb invites us to take a closer look at what it's like when we attend to the situation from our hearts, and skillfully reflect upon our actions with tenderness.

  11. Separating Observations And Evaluations

    Separating Observations And Evaluations

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 01/27/2023

    Trainer Tip: Oftentimes, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to create opportunities to promote open dialogue about our concerns. Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.

  12. Learning How to Listen

    Learning How to Listen

    Oren Jay Sofer

    Articles · 3 - 5 minutes · 4/11/2019

    Listening is a cornerstone of dialogue and a powerful metaphor for spiritual practice. When we’re willing and able to listen, we open a conduit that allows connection and understanding to happen.

  13. The Nuts and Bolts of Not Taking Things Personally

    The Nuts and Bolts of Not Taking Things Personally

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 12 - 18 minutes · 02/11/2020

    Why is it so difficult to not take things personally? It's because everything reinforces the sense that whatever is being said is indeed about us – both from without and from within. However, we can get better at not taking things personally with a practice of shifting our focus by being open to multiple interpretations, understanding that our reaction is about our own need, and noticing how the other person’s words, no matter how they sound to us, are an expression of their needs. We can then be more present and available to navigate the situation.

  14. Whether we have more or less power and privilege, anything without liberation for all is within patriarchal separation, and will continue cycles of oppression. To liberate ourselves and one another we need to increase our collective capacity through developing related knowledge, skills, research; build an understanding of patriarchal roots; confront lovingly; co-hold dilemmas about privilege; co-shape outcomes; etc.

  15. Grounded Responses for Challenging Comments

    Grounded Responses for Challenging Comments

    Elia Lowe-Chardé

    Articles · 3 - 5 minutes · 4/3/2021

    When someone responds with painful sarcasm, criticism, or dismissal you can respond with empathy, or with clarity about your intention, need and request. If you're unable to do this, later you can privately write what they said, identify the feelings and needs of both of you, then write possible responses. This can help you remember to stay with your intention and what’s true for you without getting caught in defensiveness or reactivity.

  16. Blame, Responsibility, And Care

    Blame, Responsibility, And Care

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 11 - 16 minutes · 10/9/2022

    One NVC principle is "stimulus vs cause" - one may be the stimulus but never the cause of another's feelings. When we're upset this principle can help us express pain without blame. However, when others are upset it's easy to slip into blaming them using this principle. Instead, we can hear their pain with care and heartfelt mourning - without guilt nor defensiveness, and whether or not we agree. All this is important if we're sincerely applying compassion. Read on for more.

  17. Understanding How Shame Hinders Clear Requests

    Understanding How Shame Hinders Clear Requests

    Elia Lowe-Chardé

    Articles · 3 - 5 minutes · 11/2/2021

    It may be challenging to hear or make requests when you feel shame regarding anyone's feelings and needs. Without support, shame could be debilitating, so you may feel resistant and become defensive, hear threat, or criticize others. Instead, be with people who allow space for vulnerability. Find ways to celebrate, negotiate, be mindful, accepting, and creative.

  18. Practice Tracking Various Living States of Being

    Practice Tracking Various Living States of Being

    Robert Gonzales

    Practice Exercises · 3 - 5 minutes · 2/3/2022

    Use this exercise to identify what state you're in at any moment, and as an exercise to grow capacity for self-awareness and self-compassion. Identify what happened, thoughts, sensations, feelings, longings, etc. Includes a table that outlines three states of being: Protective/Defensive, Vulnerability, Essence.

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