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Trainer Tip: Meetings can be unproductive when the participants aren’t clear about their needs or what they want from the group. When participants express opinions without expressing a need or informing the group of what they want, the meeting lacks clarity. Instead, if we can focus on naming our needs and make related requests, we can get closer to resolution much faster and enjoy the process more. Read on for an example.

Trainer Tip: Strive for win-win resolutions where no one loses. Try this rather than deciding things by the majority or compromise, where one or more parties feel dissatisfied with the resolution because it involves an element of giving in. An alternative is shifting; both people connect to the needs they are trying to meet, and in doing so, one person makes an honest shift to contribute to the other person’s needs and life.

It's tempting to shut down a heated conversation when it’s painful and overwhelming. What can give us strength to stay open to hearing and being moved, to being open to new possibility, is recalling the “triad of conversation.” The triad is self and other and then awareness on the third side of the conversation. Here we can return to connection, to what we share and need in common, to a searching together for the way forward.

How do we talk to ourselves and with others about polarizing topics in a way that's supportive? Seek to understand and be understood rather than press for agreement. Bring mindfulness into the conversation. Slow down and use structure to support everyone. Release knowing the solutions, answers or outcomes. Keep focus on shared universal needs. From this place we can say what's in our hearts and minds, and trust the process.

Trainer Tip: When we match might with might, we create discord, frustration, and separation from other people. Instead, place aside your urge to be right or to win. Approach charged situations with a sincere desire to be honest, and to value everyone’s needs including your own. The way you show up is a valuable asset. You may not get what you asked for but you can increase your chances of meeting your needs for integrity, and more.

Trainer Tip: Notice when you're tempted to wield physical, emotional, and intellectual power to get your children to do what you want. This coercion or force may bring short term ease, but long term it can be counterproductive. Ask yourself “What do I want my child to do?” and “What do I want my child’s reasons for doing it to be?”. Then consider ways to help them connect to their intrinsic motivation for doing it.

Trainer Tip: Even when it's tempting to coerce or match might with might, we can strive to meet our needs without negatively affecting others. Instead of convincing anyone to do it our way or to value the same things we value, we can focus on what we value: compassion among people and valuing everyone’s needs. By doing this we are actually more likely to meet our own needs and we are better able to live peacefully.

Trainer Tip: It can be more productive and satisfying to focus on what we want than on what we don’t have or don’t like. What will help rectify the situation? What would you like someone to do now or next time? This can eliminate much of the emotional pain caused by berating yourself or others. The moment your focus is on what is wrong with your life or what's lacking, take a moment to shift it to what you want.

Judgment is an attempt to protect from hopelessness or insecurity, at high cost. Instead, check in with fear, grief, or hurt. Then wonder what needs are at stake for everyone. This makes space for grief instead of anger, for negotiation rather than control, and for "calling in" rather than excluding. Wonder: “For whom would this be life-serving or not?”, “What strategies would care for all needs?” or, “What can I contribute now?”

Trainer Tip: When we express frustration without blaming others and by clarifying our own needs and requests, we diminish the possibility of hurt feelings and separation in our relationships. So next time you feel very agitated or angry, rather than implying the other person is wrong or at fault, try the following: own your feelings, make a specific request, and rather than implying they need to give up their needs focus on your needs.

Trainer Tip: In challenging situations, we can be peaceful and clear when we are able to connect to what we value most, and to act in harmony with those values. For example, if a coworker does something you don't like, instead of gossiping about their undesirable behaviors, you can talk to them about how both of you feel regarding what happened, and focus on the needs you're both trying to meet at work.

When a person of color (A.K.A. a person from the Global Majority, or GM) tells a marginalization story that triggers a defensive response from a white participant in a group, to foster awareness and healing, leaders can address the white person's distress with empathy, highlighting the common dynamic of prioritizing white pain. From there, leaders can offer GM participants opportunity to share their experience and make requests of the group.

In a workshop, a hesitant white neurodivergent man faced a triggering reaction from a Global Majority transgender man. Uncovering their backgrounds, the facilitator addressed family dynamics and exclusion. A repair exercise fostered empathy, challenging assumptions and emphasizing the importance of equitable facilitation for a richer group experience.

Trainer Tip: While everyone's feelings are a result of their own met or unmet needs it's still important that we take responsibility for our actions. This means acknowledging when our behaviors are a stimulus for another's pain, and expressing regret -- to support our own needs for care and consideration. In the process, taking responsibility where it's due in this way can enhance and deepen our relationships.

Trainer Tip: When we withhold our truth or lie, we can create emotional and physical distance in our relationships. By being honest, we can strengthen relationships. And when someone doesn’t appreciate your honesty, try empathizing with them. It can help to notice how your actions stimulate feelings in other people -- even as they are not the cause of their feelings.

Join Aya Caspi, a Certified NVC Trainer, as she delves into the difficult topic of parenting, childhood trauma, and social status. She discusses the generational impact of being labeled by society as "less than" or subservient. The wounds of childhood trauma can be healed so they no longer are a means of control by a dominant culture.

Aya Caspi, a Certified NVC Trainer discusses how the "story" we tell ourselves about human nature impacts our childhood and the roles we are taught to play in society.

Distinguishing between needs and strategies to meet needs is crucial for solving conflict. For example, the need for peace can be met through various strategies beyond solitude or gratitude. Similarly, sex is a strategy. Sexual expression is the need behind it, and can be met in various ways to meet that need without having sex itself. Such flexibility can foster  creativity and deeper connection, enhancing relationships.

CNVC Certified Trainer Shantigarbha Warren offers a report of his recent NVC training trip to Israel/Palestine, India and Sri Lanka and clarifies how NVC can support social change in three very different contexts. Included is an exercise, based on Gandhi’s teaching.

When someone expresses upset about our actions, and we focus on our intention being seen and understood (e.g. "I didn’t mean to hurt you”) it doesn't support the speaker in being heard more deeply with care. Here we'll explore this dynamic in a way that supports more clarity and the possibility of greater personal liberation. Read on for more.