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  1. When Hearing A “No”

    When Hearing A “No”

    Demanding Versus Persisting

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 12/20/2021

    Trainer Tip: When they say "no", acknowledge what people are saying "yes" to. From there, you persist towards a resolution that values both party's needs, without demand. Persisting is when we try to meet needs by continuing to connect with another. Demanding is when we insist someone do something, or else face negative repercussions. Showing care and willingness to work with people can help them to want to collaborate and resolve conflict.

    • Transform and heal developmental trauma 
    • Reclaim the parts of yourself that have been left behind
    • Discover the difference between developmental trauma and PTSD
    • Reawaken your heart to love
  2. Healing the Blame that Binds

    Healing the Blame that Binds

    Kelly Bryson

    Articles · 4 -6 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Blame is the game that protects me from the understanding that the cause of all my emotional distress, fear, shame and guilt comes from the part of me I call "the inner voice." As long as I keep the big bony finger of blame pointed in your direction, I can remain unaware of the fact that it is what I am telling myself about your behavior that is stimulating my painful reactions. 

  3. Improving Relationships as a Primary Goal

    Improving Relationships as a Primary Goal

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 1/4/2015

    Trainer Tip: We can improve our relationships by focusing our attention first on connection instead of other stragegies.

  4. Past Stories, Present Feelings

    Past Stories, Present Feelings

    Sylvia Haskvitz

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 7/29/2010

    Ask the Trainer: "I have noticed that sometimes when I am in a story-telling mood I am usually trying to prove that I am right and once I connect with a need the urge to give all the information goes away."

  5. Understanding I’m Not Responsible for Another's Feelings

    Understanding I’m Not Responsible for Another's Feelings

    Jeff Brown

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Ask the Trainer: "I understand that I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings, but my girlfriend doesn't. Do you have ideas for how I could get her to understand this concept?"

  6. How to Interrupt

    How to Interrupt

    Jeff Brown

    Trainer Tips · 3 - 5 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Ask the Trainer: "I feel a lot of fear or nervousness about approaching a neighbor who uses 'wastebasket talk.' Once she's engaged, there are only two techniques that interrupt the flow: leaving or interrupting."

  7. Move in to Conflict - Don't Back Up!

    Move in to Conflict - Don't Back Up!

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 7/29/2010

    Trainer Tip: Have you ever noticed how often we back up when we find ourselves in a conflict? Or how much we try to pull away when someone is angry or in emotional pain?

  8. Being Honest About Our Anger

    Being Honest About Our Anger

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 8/23/2014

    Trainer Tip: Mary shares how staying present to our anger and finding the underlying feelings and needs can lead to deeper connection and more satisfying outcomes.

  9. Tips for the Road Series Tip 4

    Tips for the Road Series Tip 4

    Invite People to Say No

    Eric Bowers

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 7/12/2016

    When asking for support from another, you are most likely to enjoy receiving that support when the person giving support is giving from the heart—from a place of joy or delight. Inviting them to say "no" is a way of encouraging an authentic response, a response you can trust more fully.

  10. Making Sure We Are Heard

    Making Sure We Are Heard

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 6/16/2019

    Trainer Tip: We all see through our own filters. To disentangle what we hear from some is really saying, check using understanding requests at the level of detail you need. Course correct along the way. In a charged situation this can be critical to bringing in clarity, being heard and resolving differences amicably.

  11. Liberating Ourselves from Our “Shoulds”

    Liberating Ourselves from Our “Shoulds”

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 5/2/2020

    Trainer tip: When you tell yourself that you have to do something, you're more likely to disconnect yourself from the needs you’re trying to meet, and also diminish the joy in your life. Instead, experiment with translating your “shoulds” and “have tos” into the need you are trying to meet.

  12. Trainer tip: People often presume why something happened before checking with the other person. Instead, if we were to name the facts of what happened through observation without adding in our own judgments or reasons why we think it happened, we can more easily open the possibility for deeper connection with the other person. Read on for more on making observations.

  13. Opening to Intimacy

    Opening to Intimacy

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 12/1/2020

    Trainer tip: Do you have behavioral patterns that block intimacy? When we are feeling our most vulnerable, we often want intimacy but also tend to keep it at bay. Acknowledge your need for intimacy, and find people you can trust to love you as you are.

  14. Four Ways to Hear Any Message

    Four Ways to Hear Any Message

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 2/11/2021

    Trainer tip: In every interaction, we have a choice of responding in one of these four ways: judge/blame self, Judge/blame others, empathize with self, and/or empathize with others. The goal is to make a conscious choice about our response. Notice the choices you have when you receive someone’s communication today.

  15. Communicating Our Deepest Desires

    Communicating Our Deepest Desires

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 6/26/2021

    Trainer Tip: When we "protect" ourselves by not asking for what we want, we block ourselves from getting our needs met. From here, disappointment and resentment can build -- especially if this is a pattern. Instead, notice when you're tempted to do this, and be honest and upfront about what you want to improve the quality of your relationships.

  16. Letting Go of Resentments

    Letting Go of Resentments

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 3/23/2022

    Trainer Tip: When we feel resentment toward others, we are harming our own emotional health. Surprisingly, when we own up to our part of an uncomfortable situation, we can release the pain and resentment. Such honesty can provide healing. Read on for a related anecdote of how this can play out.

  17. Making Requests Count

    Making Requests Count

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 5/16/2022

    Trainer Tip: A request completes the communication by stating specifically what we would like from someone else to meet our need. Without this clarity, our communication can be confusing and can easily be seen as a demand. When people know what you want, you have a better chance of meeting your needs. Make clear, specific, doable requests of people, and see if this increases the chance of meeting your needs. Read on for an example.

  18. You Suck At Conflict

    You Suck At Conflict

    Alan Rafael Seid

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 7/23/2022

    Avoiding conflict is an even greater issue than having conflict. Not being as competent at conflict we avoid it. And in many cases that creates more conflict. Conflict is inevitable because we have different perspectives. Conflict is not bad. It is an opportunity for increased connection, intimacy, joy, and creative win-win solutions. Instead of avoiding conflict, we can work on increasing our skill in handling conflict.

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