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  1. The Needs Underneath a Need for “Fairness”

    The Needs Underneath a Need for “Fairness

    Miki Kashtan

    Trainer Tips · 2 - 3 minutes · 7/28/2010

    Ask the Trainer: "I'm practicing with 'transforming the pain of unmet needs into the beauty of the need.' In identifying my unmet needs, I come up with 'fairness.' However, fairness isn't on the needs list! I'm wondering what needs might be underneath 'fairness.'"

  2. From What's Fair to What's Possible

    From What's Fair to What's Possible

    Miki Kashtan

    Video · 5 minutes · 11/27/2023

    So many of us have been taught to solve conflicts by what is “fair.” However, Miki Kashtan states that fairness is a separating concept. In this video, she describes how when we do not have the conditions to care for all needs involved, when we live within separation, fairness is second best. 

  3. This chart is intended as an aid to translating words that are often confused with feelings. These words imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame. To use this list, when somebody says “I’m feeling rejected,” you might translate this as: “Are you feeling scared because you have a need for inclusion?”
  4. Does Anyone Deserve Anything?

    Does Anyone Deserve Anything?

    Miki Kashtan

    Articles · 13 - 20 minutes · 11/8/2019

    Our world trains us to think in terms of providing for everyone’s needs because they deserve it, earned it, or they possess the resources -- it's fair, socially just, supports equality or because people have rights. Instead, can we step outside this worldview to look at providing for everyone’s needs because those needs exist -- can we hold this basic reverence for life? Are we able to have a needs-based dialogue when such a reframe could alienate those who live in the worldview of earn/deserve?

  5. Miki works with a course participant to transform begrudging attendance at a mandatory meeting into the possibility for collaboration, more connection where little is expected and focus on clarity of purpose for meeting in the first place.

  6. Listen to Miki make an important distinction between giving feedback, which is grounded in a desire to contribute to another, and our own need to be heard.

  7. Creating a trusting connection and keeping the line of communication open are the primary prerequsites for giving feedback as a supervisor. Listen to Miki work with a course participant to ready herself for an upcoming feedback session.

  8. Setting Boundaries with Attraction

    Setting Boundaries with Attraction

    Elia Lowe-Chardé

    Articles · 3 - 5 minutes · 8/27/2020

    Attraction to others is neither good nor bad. Although it's pleasurable it doesn’t necessarily help with wise discernment. When it arises, it's up to you to engage in wise discernment about how you manage it. This guide provides practices and points of focus to engage your own attraction in a way that holds more choice about what will meet needs for yourself and others, and what role attraction plays.

  9. Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year!

    Mary Mackenzie

    Peaceful Living Blog · ·

    Dear friends,

    I greatly enjoyed my annual New Year’s Peace Meditation yesterday. It always brings together NVC enthusiasts from across the world and is one of my favorite traditions for welcoming the New Year! 

    How was 2024 for you? For me, it was a bumpy ride. There were moments of joy spending time with our 3-year-old grandson, mine and Kim’s first international trip together (a bonafide vacation that was void of work), and precious time with family and friends. There was also heartbreak...

  10. Mediating Conflict with Kids

    Mediating Conflict with Kids

    Stephanie Bachmann Mattei

    Audio · 48 minutes · 7/28/2010

    In this stimulating audio recording, Stephanie Mattei covers several "hot" parenting topics such as: boundary issues, strategy resilience, how to shift your right/wrong mentality and understanding the concept of fairness. While unraveling these topics, Stephanie intersperses some practical neuroscience around brain regulation and brain-wise conflict prevention.

  11. Every Angry Message is a "Please"

    Every Angry Message is a "Please"

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 7/29/2010

    Trainer Tip: Anger can be an opportunity to hear the "Please" behind the words and create a path to resolve conflicts compassionately.

  12. The Top Five Deal Breakers in Relationships

    The Top Five Deal Breakers in Relationships

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 3/15/2020

    Trainer Tip: When considering your "deal breakers" consider what you want from a relationship rather than how it will look. For instance, maybe my need for abundance can be met by someone who is independently wealthy, so he doesn’t have to “have a good job”. When you shift your focus from strategies to needs, you may be pleasantly surprised what the universe brings. Read on for more.

  13. Tragic Expressions of Unmet Needs

    Tragic Expressions of Unmet Needs

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 6/4/2020

    Trainer tip: The phrase “tragic expressions of unmet needs” is used to convey how often we do things that aren’t likely to meet our needs. It’s not bad, it’s tragic -- because it won’t help us meet our needs. Acknowledging this, we can then consider a different approach that's more likely to lead to satisfying results. Read on for three examples of where this may apply in your life.

  14. Restoring Togetherness

    Restoring Togetherness

    Miki Kashtan

    Live Zoom Course · ·

    • Support family, community, and organizations to realign with life
    • Get the building blocks of integrative decisions that work for all
    • Learn to lean on all available capacities to dance together for liberation
    • Reweave the threads of togetherness into something stronger than individual existence
  15. The Value of Change

    The Value of Change

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 12/29/2021

    Trainer Tip: Wanting collaboration? Show you value the other person's needs as much as your own. After you both feel heard, you can make joint decisions about specifics of the agreement, such as "division of work", "scope of project", "when the action will take place", "how it'll be done" and "timing of follow up to see how things went". Read on for an example of how this is applied to asking someone to pitch in with doing chores.

  16. Facing Life as One

    Facing Life as One

    Miki Kashtan

    Live Zoom Course · ·

    • Learn concrete tools for engaging with others as you embrace individual and collective liberation
    • Find your own source of choice even in the face of challenges
    • Release the constriction of scarcity
    • Find an empowered option to respond to what is happening in our world
    • Open the door to the possibility of thriving rather than merely surviving
  17. Sometimes I Can’t Get Past My Judgments

    Sometimes I Can’t Get Past My Judgments

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 8/4/2022

    Trainer Tip: Whether we listen to our own or the other person’s needs first, connecting to needs can help us release judgments of others, see their humanness, help us to begin to hear them and ultimately connect to them. Be aware today of times when you are judging someone. Then be aware of your own needs to improve your connection to them.

  18. Living Peacefully

    Living Peacefully

    Mary Mackenzie

    Trainer Tips · 1 - 2 minutes · 12/5/2022

    Trainer Tip: When we match might with might, we create discord, frustration, and separation from other people. Instead, place aside your urge to be right or to win. Approach charged situations with a sincere desire to be honest, and to value everyone’s needs including your own. The way you show up is a valuable asset. You may not get what you asked for but you can increase your chances of meeting your needs for integrity, and more.

    • Explore what makes the capacity lens radical and practical
    • Understand the complexities of how capacity and willingness interface
    • Mourn capacity limits within and around us without jumping to conclusions
    • Orient to agreements as behavioral anchoring in support of your commitments
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