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Hello,

I’m Iris Bawidamann. When Mary reached out to me asking if I’d write this letter, I sat for some time meditating on what is alive for me and what I want to share with you… This is what surfaced for me… Fear sits with me—on my shoulders, in my chest. A familiar presence I consciously keep in check so it doesn’t take over. Watching global politics, conflicts, and rising polarization, I often feel overwhelmed. The world is shifting.

Why is it so difficult to change our patterns even when we want to, even when we experience shame or despair about them? Arnina Kashtan offers some of the common pitfalls and concrete steps to overcome them in the future.

How excited do you get about connecting with people who are proving themselves right and who act like they know it all? Do you prefer the company of not-knowers who are in awe of the mystery of life and exploring with humility and innocent curiosity? Masking our vulnerability in not-knowing can point to deep wounds inside us, where perhaps the common denominator is our desire to prove our worth.

Much like other asymmetric relationships (such as therapist and client), there are complications related to power dynamics that can arise with any NVC trainer having sex with a participant. For one, there's (counter)transference. And there's potential for things that may not move outside this asymmetric relationship -- such as projections where the participant, and/or the trainer, is guided by un-healed pain of their "inner child".

Ask the Trainer: "In trainings I say our jackals are thoughts and now I've come to wonder if all thoughts are jackals...?"

In the face of needs that are still hungry to be satisfied, we can expand our view, plus generate ideas and creativity that can find new paths forward.  Try these tips to transform our complaint into commitment for a change in strategy that works with needs...

Dear friends,

#UnlockYourAuthenticVoice 

This has been on my mind lately. What does it mean to unlock my authentic voice? How do I talk about things that matter to me without creating emotional distance between myself and others? I’ve found this especially challenging after the US presidential election this month— half the voters are devastated by Donald Trump’s election, and the other half are elated. The extremes are vast. Sometimes imagining a coming-together feels hopeless. 

Trainer Tip: Do you ever feel certain that other people see things the way you do, only to find out they don’t? Read on.

Trainer Tip: Wanting collaboration? Show you value the other person's needs as much as your own. After you both feel heard, you can make joint decisions about specifics of the agreement, such as "division of work", "scope of project", "when the action will take place", "how it'll be done" and "timing of follow up to see how things went". Read on for an example of how this is applied to asking someone to pitch in with doing chores.

Dear Friends,

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you could not see a good option, no matter how hard you looked? Or have you ever done something you felt ashamed or embarrassed about and struggled to release the shame?

Recently, I was telling a childhood story to some friends. It had us all laughing (a very welcome moment!), and it also got me reflecting about honesty and authenticity. Here’s the story:

John and Stephanie combine mediating conflict, parenting and study of brain science to this ground-breaking course recording on how to funnel your anger and your child’s anger toward mutual caring and peace.

Ask the Trainer: Get ideas to help your girlfriend accept you aren't responsible for her feelings.

One of the premises in NVC is that behind all behavior and expressions are Universal Human Needs as the deeper motivators. And one of the key distinctions in NVC is that between Needs and Strategies. Try Alan Rafael Seid's exercise called  "Peeling the Layers of the Onion, " a process for uncovering these needs — the deeper motivations — that underlie words and behaviors we may find disturbing or puzzling.

Mismanaged emotional pain can compound and hurt ourselves and others. Four ways we can mismanage pain are: denial, blame, depression, and escape/numbing. This can result in hatred, resentment, discrimination, revenge, anger, and more problems. The fifth way we can deal with pain is to confront the pain acknowledging it and dealing with our unmet needs. This is a more direct path. Read on for more ideas for how to handle the pain.

• Learn how every decision we make perpetuates the status quo or brings us closer to the vision of a world that works for all
• Find out about our big brain capacity to integrate needs, impacts, and resources to make decisions that work for everyone
• Understand why power differences interfere with collaborative decisions and what can be done about it
• Discover tools that support collaboration in larger groups and organizations— even across power differences!

• Gain a deeper understanding of trauma through the lens of NVC
• Learn how to connect with ALL needs, even when we’ve been taught to suppress some of them
• Grow capacity to creatively move towards our deepest longings interdependently
• Discover how you can call people back to life when they are in the thick of patterned behavior

Ask the Trainer: Can NVC transform group conflict? Trainer shares stories and answers the question.

Ask the Trainer: Is a confidentiality agreement typically used in NVC practice groups?