Hello friends. I’m Roxy Manning. When Mary invited me to write this letter, I could not help but reflect on what has been most alive for me recently… the way many of us will easily help someone else, but fear to ask for help for ourselves.

On December 4, I had an operation. My doctor predicted my recovery would take three weeks. As I prepared for the time off, I rushed to complete all of my work and personal commitments. I prepped and froze dishes so I would have things to eat after and arranged meal deliveries. 

Very few people knew I was having an operation and I reached out to only one person for support after. In hindsight, I was doing everything I could so that I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone. I didn’t realize how all these efforts to stand on my own two feet, to rely mostly on myself, was me once again living a life constrained by the beliefs I had learned as a Black woman. I would have been so disappointed if one of my close friends had surgery and didn’t give me an opportunity to cook for them, drive them to appointments, visit with them. And yet I couldn’t bring myself to ask that of others. At the time, I didn’t even question this pattern I found myself in – it was so strong and so deeply embedded  - that I could help others but I could not ask for help.

My operation went well, but my recovery took much longer than the expected three weeks. Infections and problems with wounds healing left me in need of much more support than I anticipated. I couldn’t change bandages or even take baths on my own. I couldn’t even warm up the frozen food I had prepared on my own. 

And I still struggled to ask for help. 

One day, as a friend drove me to a medical appointment, I began crying. I was overwhelmed and exhausted, worried about being a burden for so long on my housemate and teenager. And I wasn’t getting better. By the time the appointment was over, my friend had contacted other friends. They convinced me to go to the emergency room and accompanied me through that appointment and other ones. And because of their intervention, finally, four weeks after my surgery, I began to get the care I needed and I’m finally beginning to heal. 

It's been humbling to realize that even after studying NVC for over two decades, even though I fully believe in and value interdependence, I could still struggle to trust that I could be worthy of care. 

The surgery has been a boon, not just in addressing my medical challenge, but in helping to heal part of my soul. Each time someone makes me a meal, drives me to an appointment, calls to check on me, or any of the other myriad kindnesses I’ve received, I get more confirmation that everyone, including me, is a human being that others would joyfully contribute to. I’m grateful to heal not just from my medical condition, but from the internalized message that society gives to women, black folks, people with marginalized identities that they are not worthy, that our only value is in giving to others. 

In my upcoming course starting on April 9th, Breaking Barriers: Gender, Power, and Compassionate Dialogue for Equity, I’ll explore the complexities of how gender and power impact everyday life– and how NVC can disrupt these patterns! 

I’m looking forward this year to continuing to work on reaching out and asking for what I need rather than trying to do it all on my own. To truly include myself in the Beloved Community I long to build.

I hope you will join me in whatever capacity you are able!

With warmth,

Roxy Manning