Trainer Tip

Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.

—Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

When I worked in the university system, I spent a great deal of time and energy negotiating for salary increases and position upgrades. My arguments usually focused on how I compared to other people in the industry, my years of experience, and what I thought was fair. I believed that I deserved to make more money than other people because I had more experience in our field and I had worked longer at the university. My job, I thought, was to convince my superiors that I deserved a raise.

It never occurred to me to consider my superiors’ needs: to manage a complicated budget, balance the needs of many people, and motivate members of a team to succeed in their jobs. It also didn’t occur to me to speak openly about my needs in the situation, without placing demands and ultimatums on my bosses.

Repeatedly I put both of us in a position where we could lose—if they didn’t do what I wanted, I would feel angry and hurt. If they did comply with my demand, they had succumbed to the pressure I inflicted.

Now I believe that the best opportunity for success when we make requests of others, including our superiors, is to speak openly and honestly, value the other person’s needs, and create solutions that value both parties’ needs.

When we create situations that value one person’s needs at the expense of another, we open the door for someone to lose. Win/win resolutions are much more satisfying and successful to all concerned.

Attempt to create win/win resolutions by valuing everyone’s needs today

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

Keywords:

• Trainer Tip
• practice
• request
• negotiation
• pay raise
• deserve
• merit
• earn
• job promotion
• Mary Mackenzie