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NVC Resources on Relationships

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Enemy Images

in where we stand can dramatically change how we see things. —Melody Beattie Do you harbor negative thoughts about others? Do these negative feelings affect your ability to enjoy those relationships or communicate effectively? When you foster resentment or anger toward other people, your focus is on your perceptions of the other person’s foibles. Your ability to compassionately connect to them...
Tips for the Road Series Tip 24

How do you know when you’re projecting disowned parts or replaying old relationship dynamics? It’s hard to know for sure, but if you find yourself upset or shutting down and unable to have a dialogue in which you can speak clearly about your feelings and needs and empathize with the other’s feelings and needs, there is likely a projection. The stronger your reaction, the more likely you are...
Don't Take It Personally

As our awareness grows, so does the image of the web, for we are the universe becoming conscious of itself. With sensibilities evolved through millennia of interaction, we can turn now and know that web as our home. It both cradles us and calls us to weave it further. —Joanna Macy You’ve heard it many times. “Don’t take it personally” .. a modern day aphorism commonly espoused in personal and...
Compassion

For both seasoned and new NVC aficionados, I think many would agree that the word ‘empathy’ typically becomes central to one’s understanding of what NVC is all about. One might even argue that empathy is itself synonymous with NVC. The beauty of this strong pairing is, of course, the wonderful capacity for one human being to listen to another human being in a manner that is likely to support...
Creating Peace and Change

Why does NVC practice, and NVC training/coaching, appear to be not enough to bridge divides between people? This article takes a look at the trickle down effect of our societal conditioning, what we can add to our NVC lense, and what we can do "upstream" when NVC doesn't seem to be enough. Additionally, the article talks about unseen constraints that men, women and minority groups face in...
The Three Most Common Pitfalls in Nonviolent Communication

We're more likely to sacrifice trust, connection, and relationship quality when (1.) We use NVC to focus on being seen, understood, heard, or meeting our own needs in a way that eclipses our view and understanding of others needs; (2.) We don't clearly examine our intentions; and (3.) We use the NVC form so rigidly that it becomes difficult for others to connect with us authentically. Read this...
Creating an Internal Secure Base

We each hold an internal model or set of expectations about how caring and comfort could be accessed in relationship. The ability to reflect upon and challenge our own dominant model of perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors --and to experience discomfort and vulnerability-- is a key feature of "security". If not, an "attachment reactivity" arises -- where sense of insecurity, separateness, and...
Keep It Real, Warts and All

Sometimes our craving for love, acceptance, and approval leads us to show only parts of ourselves and hide others. This lack of authenticity actually breeds disconnection and mistrust, leading to those very needs not being met. What judgments are you afraid other people might have of you, such that you hide a part of yourself? Make a list. Any chance these align with judgments you have of...
Fear and Trust Facing the Year Ahead

At the boundary between 2021 and 2022, looking out over the future landscape of the coming year, I see conflict, violence and suffering growing and spreading in the world, And I also see, at the heart of the dissolution, a tremendous light getting brighter and brighter, brilliant and beautiful. Sharing with a dear friend and mentor about my relationship with fear and doubt, he asks, “What do...
Transforming Drama in Congregations

Developing interpersonal relationship skills in congregations is integral to working with the conflicts that arise. NVC helps us turn toward conflict and connect us to life so we can sit with unmet needs, grow the trust to accept our humanity and shift our behaviour so that it reflects trust, love, and interconnectedness. These principles can be applied to any spiritual community. Keywords:...