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One of the premises in NVC is that behind all behavior and expressions are Universal Human Needs as the deeper motivators. And one of the key distinctions in NVC is that between Needs and Strategies. Try Alan Seid's exercise called  "Peeling the Layers of the Onion, " a process for uncovering these needs — the deeper motivations — that underlie words and behaviors we may find disturbing or puzzling.

In this book excerpt, Kathleen and Jared offer a path to reach deeper clarity, distinguishing between universal needs and strategies.

Ask the Trainer: "I'm practicing with 'transforming the pain of unmet needs into the beauty of the need.' In identifying my unmet needs, I come up with 'fairness.' However, fairness isn't on the needs list! I'm wondering what needs might be underneath 'fairness.'"

Trainer Tip: In Compassionate Communication, we consider needs to be universal. That means that while we all have the same needs, such as for love, support, shelter, food, joy, caring, etc., we choose different ways to meet our needs.

Trainer Tip: We can expand our connection to humanity by considering the many strategies people use to meet our common needs.

For many, the word “need” is associated with lack, neediness, and scarcity. These associations are the opposite of the meaning of needs in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). In NVC, needs are the motivational energy of our innate wholeness and desire to grow, like the energy of a plant pushing it up through the soil and toward the sun.

The human needs that we all share are the foundation of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process because it is in connecting to needs that we find inner freedom, empowerment and compassion.

Listen to this audio to learn the value of focusing on needs in an NVC model, either for the first time or as a refresher course. Living from a needs-consciousness creates abundance, clarity and choice. Using three examples from participants, Mary guides the group towards identifying and then connecting with the needs of both parties involved in each situation. It becomes clear very quickly that people choose different ways to support their needs; and many times they have the same needs in a given situation. When we understand this, we are able to create peace in our relationships and negotiations.

“Everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet a need,” says CNVC Certified Trainer Mary Mackenzie. This simple statement is a foundational understanding in Nonviolent Communication; once you gain skills at living in a “needs-consciousness” you will literally change your life and your perception of the world, and improve all of your relationships.

Trainer Tip: Knowing the difference between what we need and what we want someone else to do about that need can have a profound impact on our relationships and our happiness.