Start adding this question to your dialogues and discussions, "Can I see if I understand you?" Most times, people say yes to this question. Who does not want to be understood? However, in some situations it can help to state your intention first, “It might help us work through this if I make sure I'm understanding you. Do you mind if I tell you what I have heard so far?" If the answer is yes, then say back the important things you have heard and make some needs guesses. Finish with, "Is that it? Am I missing anything? Is there more?

Saying back to someone what you have heard them say and making guesses about their feelings and needs does some important things:

1.  It demonstrates that you are paying attention and you care about what they have to say
2.  It helps them organize their thoughts, find clarity, and feel understood
3.  It gives them space to process their feelings and needs and calm their nervous system, which often leads them to deeper insights or connection
4.  It helps maintain connection during difficult dialogues

Once the other person is satisfied you have understood them, then share your observations, feelings, needs, and requests, and ask them if they would be willing to tell you what they have heard you say.

Keywords:

• empathy
• requests
• strategies
• contribution
• responsibility
• self responsibility
• advice
• understanding
• trust
• connection requests
• connection
• Eric Bowers