Trainer Tip

"To practice nonviolence, first of all we must learn to deal peacefully with ourselves"

—Thich Nhat Hanh

When we ask something of a person and there will be negative repercussions if she doesn’t comply with our wish, we are actually making a demand. When we do this, she has only two possible responses: to rebel or to submit. Hard to believe?

Consider what happens when you tell your 16-year-old daughter that she can’t go out with her friends tonight. She can submit by doing as you say, or she can rebel by either sneaking out of the house to be with her friends or arguing with you. How about if you told your partner that you just have to have sex at least twice a week? Again, he can submit by giving you what you want, or he can rebel by withholding.

Rarely does either party experience satisfaction when someone submits to them, or rebels against them. You may get what you want, but the result may generate a negative or disgruntled response. If your partner agrees to more sex because he's worried you’ll be upset, he will likely participate with less creativity and enjoyment. This dynamic limits both people’s chance for enjoyment.

Neither submission nor rebellion is a win for anyone. Demands limit the possible responses and deaden the opportunity for joyful participation. You will have more success in getting your needs met by considering everyone’s needs and coming to mutually satisfying resolutions.

Notice when a request you make today is actually a demand. Is there a way you can change it into a request?

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press. 

• demand
• attachment to outcome
• rebel
• submit
• duty
• obligation
• request
• interdependence
• Mary Mackenzie