Even leaders we admire may exhibit behaviors that could be labeled as abusive, at least slightly. This includes not treating followers as equals, using charm, and hiding or twisting truth. In such scenarios a key reason for this is loneliness. If we're using our work and position primarily to gain for appreciation, acknowledgement, and acceptance then we need to examine our own loneliness. We need feedback to keep such conduct in check.

Trainer Tip: When we express appreciation using words like "good", "great" or anything else evaluative, it conveys we are in the position to judge, and that we've judged them or their actions. Instead, to express appreciation without judgment state what they did, how you feel about what they did, and which of your needs are met by their behavior. Such an expression of appreciation clearly states how your life was enriched, without judgement.

Often making an apology is not enough because people want greater depth of understanding and empathy. Instead of judging ourselves or feeling guilt we can "mourn" what we did that stirred up pain in others. This can bring about a sweet pain that leads to change. Then we can ask ourselves what we can do next time and make a commitment to do this and/or offer a regrets to the person expressing feelings and needs.

We can see anger as an alarm or signal that can inform us that unmet needs require attention, or that we hold judgements. We can shift our own anger in several healthy ways: get present, identify the stimulus and any judgements or unmet needs, look for ways to meet our needs, make requests that support our needs, express our needs to ourselves and appropriate others, and more.

Mismanaged emotional pain can compound and hurt ourselves and others. Four ways we can mismanage pain are: denial, blame, depression, and escape/numbing. This can result in hatred, resentment, discrimination, revenge, anger, and more problems. The fifth way we can deal with pain is to confront the pain acknowledging it and dealing with our unmet needs. This is a more direct path. Read on for more ideas for how to handle the pain.

Self-compassion is essential for healing trauma and restoring your wholeness. It is also an antidote to reactivity and separation, allowing presence to emerge. In developing presence, you can become what the world needs most in these times of intensity and chaos. This work can strengthen your skills to be more fully in relationship with all that life offers while allowing your heart to be moved by what is alive in you and with others.

 In A Worldwide Field of Compassion, Robert Gonzales presents an engaging course steeped in compassion-based self-discovery for ourselves and all life. Recorded in 2020, this 8-session course includes handouts, readings, exercises, and video recordings!

Trainer Tip: It can be painful spending our days pretending we’re not who we are. For example, we may try not to be passionate in our expression because if we think its “too much” for people. This can lead to trying to figuratively to squeeze ourselves into small spaces in life. Alternatively, we can choose who to share our passion with, and speak our truth to. Today, notice what you need and to work actively to meet your needs.